My Sensitive Jax

Oh my dear goodness.  I had the cutest experience with Jackson tonight.  So, we've started this tradition where every Friday night we have a movie-pajama-ice cream-party night and we all look forward to it so much!  Well, in the Spirit of Christmas, we thought it would be fun to rent a Christmas movie we've never seen.  It was relatively cute (I say that loosely), "Santa Paws,"  about a puppy; and Santa; and some orphan girls who were cared for by an evil woman; and a couple who owned a toy shop that wanted children (a few similarities to Annie).  I think we all know how this one ends.  The kids end up with the parents that have been wanting children for years and they all get their Christmas wish.  Well, the credits start rolling and I look over at Jackson who is fighting tears.  What?  "Jax, why are you crying?"  He responded, "It wasn't a very happy movie."  Hmmmmm....  "Why wasn't it happy?"  "The kids got new parents." 

Oh. 

He doesn't want new parents.  Now I am trying to fight tears as I explain to him that these girls didn't have parents.  They died.  So they really wanted new parents to take care of them, but that he would not have to worry about that with us (at least I hope he never will).  We would never leave him with that scary lady and give him new parents.  It did make me sad to think about little orphan kids lives and how hard that would be to not have your parents to take care of you.  In one part of the movie, this little 4 year old girl was left to "get her things organized" in her bedroom and unpack on her own.  I am just trying to imagine how Noah would respond to that.  He would not have a clue what to do or how to get "organized" without any direction or help.  It made me sad that some kids have to grow up faster than they need to.  And then I thought of my Mom who became an orphan by the time she was eight.  I can't think about it too much or I will cry.  Oh.  Wait.  Too late.  I already am.  I hate the thought of a child not feeling wanted or loved or cared for in the best way possible!  It really makes me sick.  I turned to Joe during part of the movie and said, "Let's adopt all the children, old and young!" because I cannot bear to think that a child feels alone or uncared for.  I am so grateful for my life.  I have it pretty darn good.  I have wonderful parents who love me and all of their children no matter what.  What a great example that is to me.  And I have such awesome kids!  And I love how thoughtful and sensitive Jackson is.  Here Jackson is feeling sad for these girls that they don't have their real parents and I am thinking it's a happy ending.  It's all about perspective I guess.  It DID make me feel a little more loved.  He wants me to stick around.  I'll take it.

Why You Sneaky Little....

Who says that Moms have eyes in the back of their heads? I did not get that gift and I feel like more and more lately my kids have been having more sneaky moments, such as eating straight from the Nutella jar.  Heck, I do it too, so I'm not too mad.  But it caught me off guard.  Am I in charge at my house?  Do my kids fear/respect me?  Allow Ellie's face answer that below.

Here are the boys acting as guilty as ever. I found them hiding in my room (it was one of those, "it's too quiet" moments and I honestly had to search them out). They had dug into the new Costco-sized box of Ritz cheese-cracker-sandwiches that were supposed to be set aside for lunch-only.  Ah-ha!  Heros caught red-handed!  How ironic.
This last picture kills me.  It's funny and sad at the same time.  Jackson is usually such a "good" kid and always chooses the right, or at least tries to.  I usually never have to question him.  Well, there was some drawing on the wall the other day and no one was fessing up to who-done-it.  I assumed it was Ellie because she is the usual prankster and button-pusher, BUT she'll also usually matter-of-factly tell me if she did something.  Consequences don't phase her too much these days.  Well, finally Joe got to the bottom of it and asked Jackson again if he did it.  He hesitated before he replied and then looked really guilty (he lies just as well as his Mommy.  Can't fool anyone).  We told him that we wouldn't be mad if it was him that did it but that he would have to fix the problem if it was him.  He finally fessed up.   First of all, I was really shocked that he would lie to us and try to trick us into thinking it was one of his siblings.  I guess he is testing his limits.  I just hope this doesn't turn into something more.  I WILL say, however, that I am proud of him for telling the truth, even though he knew the consequence would be cleaning up his mess.  

I don't know how I feel about this new phase of sneakiness among my kids. Perhaps I have to earn those eyes in the back of my head with experience.... Let's just hope my kids stay angels forever and I'll never need them.

Christmas is HERE!

Well, Christmas isn't QUITE here just yet, but it is that time of year where we put up the tree and decorate it like crazy!  One of these days, I would like to try buying a fresh tree instead of putting up a fake tree.  We always had a real tree growing up and it always smelled SO nice. Although now that I think of it, I DO remember my Mom vacuuming around that thing quite a bit, ...so now that I'm the Mom I'll have to really think on that one.

We pumped Christmas tunes (the new Pentatonix Christmas album) and danced while we put up all the decorations.  This pic below is of Ellie ACTUALLY looking into the camera whilest saying "CHEEEEEESE!" (with a candy cane in her mouth, which I think was her favourite part of this activity).  She never looks into the camera (just ask Jenny who took our latest family pictures!) so this, my friends, was a Christmas miracle.


It still hasn't snowed here yet, so putting up all the decorations seems a little unnatural.  There is usually snow on the ground in Edmonton and it is usually freezing outside by now (which I don't totally miss yet).  Today it was a whopping 13 degrees here and it was so nice I took the kids to the beach to play around and throw rocks into the water in only SWEATERS!  Gasp!  I know.  Unheard of.  Although it doesn't feel quite like Christmas yet, I am excited for all the Christmas traditions that we will get to start on our own.  Our first item of business is whether or not we will be having sugar cereal on Christmas morning (Joe) or bacon and pancakes with orange juice (me).  Personally, I like my family tradition on that issue better.

Library Fun!

You didn't think that "Library" and "Fun" could go together did you?  Well for my kids they do!  In an attempt to be a fun-Mom now that the weather is getting cooler I try to keep our Saturdays hoppin' with a trip to the library after swimming lessons.  The kids love it because they have a play area where you can dress up (Jackson's dream land), play with touch-screen computers (Ellie loves that station), and snuggle with stuffed puppy dogs while you cozy up next to your Mom as she reads to you (Noah's favourite part.  I like that part too!).  I try to limit it to one book each and one video game so I can keep track of it all, but it always ends up being WAY more!  I will definitely be that Mom with random late fees!  I also like it because it opens up a whole new world of reading possibilities for me.  I never truly get to look around while I am there with the kids, but I will put books on hold online and pick them up at the front desk when they're available.  I am trying to think outside the box living the "student" life and this is as creative as I can get with having fun for free.  This is actually thanks to my Mom might I add.  The last time we visited she took us all to the library on a rainy day and I honestly thought my kids weren't going to last and that they would think it was super boring, but they loved it!  We even checked out some books there and ended up reading every night we were there.  I have loved continuing with that, especially with Jackson being able to read now and Noah learning all the sounds (as you can see from this pic, Ellie is really enthused about reading.  Haha!  She's probably just mad that it's not a Princess book).  The kids love reading new books every week and the library is something they look forward to every Saturday morning.  It may be a busy morning, and I might look a touch ridiculous with all my kids running around or grabbing at my legs while I have Zoe in a baby-carrier (and I may have lost Noah once while we were all trying to get on the elevator), but all the stares and chaos is worth it.  Sometimes.  Besides, I'm starting to get used to it any time I leave the house anyways. 

BLEGH!!!

This is my life guys.

This is my life.

The best part is that as I was putting these clothes away, the tower of jeans all tumbled to the floor.  Ask me how I felt about THAT?!

Guys, I am having a horrible day and only this picture can truly describe how I am feeling.  It is a never ending uphill battle.  Where did these crumbs come from?  Why is it sticky here?  Didn't I just sweep and mop?  Boys, hang up your coats for the last time!  Oh how sweet, you did the dishes?  Oh, you mean you filled the dishwasher, because neither the cupboards nor table were wiped so I got to do that this morning-crust and all, and it took forever and I cursed your name the whole time because had I known I would have done it last night when it was fresh!  That makes me sound awful and really I should just be grateful that my husband filled the dishwasher without being asked (that really was awesome), but I am so annoyed.  Sometimes it is easier to just do things myself so I know they got done the way I would like them done.  It reminds me of when my Mom would have me and Sarah dust the leaves on our fake plant once a week.  I hated doing that chore and I always did a half-way job, so my Mom would check on it and say, "No, like this" and wipe each leaf, doing it all over again (which meant I didn't have to!).  Now I'm the Mom that is trying to keep a house clean and in order and I'm never quiiiiiiite there.  Someone kill me.

And for complaining about a perfectly good husband, might I add that I love him and think he's great?  He even made dinner.  Now I sound like a really awful person.  I don't even care.  It was a frozen lasagne so it doesn't even count.  Okay, I'll stop.  I can't even count my blessings properly.  

Ranting complete.

My Star of the Week

This week in Junior Kindergarten, Noah was "Star of the Week" which means he got to be spotlighted every day (as well as take the attendance to the Secretary.  What an honor!).  It was so cute asking him which things he wanted to bring to school to show the class.  He brought an Indiana Jones costume to show how much he loves Indiana Jones/dressing up, playing the Lego game, etc; And his stuffed puppies because his favourite animals are dogs; His Lego-guys to show how much he loves building Legos; His Green Lantern Mask to show that he loves super heros like Green Lantern and Batman, etc.  That is my boy, ...but as of this week I feel like I can add a couple more things to this list....

So, about a year or so ago I would have never expected these two things of Noah. Noah the artist, and Noah the tender brother (tender boy to Mommy?  Yes.  Tender boy to a sibling?  Hmmm....). Let's start with the artist. So, yesterday Noah came home from school and immediately pulled out a TON of drawings from his backpack. I was shocked because Noah doesn't draw.  He hates taking the time to do it.  I figured he just has other talents and doesn't want to waste time learning this one.  OR it's because he might not have a lot of confidence when it comes to drawing. I think he sees what Jackson does and the praise I give him and then he doesn't even want to bother because he's not as good as Jax. I've tried to sit down with him before and teach him this or that, but he just gets frustrated because he can't seem to get it right the first try, etc. SO, to my shock and awe he unveiled all of these stick-men drawings and proudly started taping them onto the fridge (which of course is the most honored place for artwork).   I was SO proud of him (to the point of overdoing it so he would know exactly how pleased I was that he tried and did a good job).  At first I was wondering why half of them were frowning and he said they were "bad guys."  Good.  He's not expressing his "sad-emotions" through art.  Phewf!  And I think my praise worked because the very next day came more and more artwork.  Haha!  Sometimes I roll my eyes with the amount of things that come home with these kids, but this time I am so happy because his artwork is starting to resemble something and I know he actually put some effort into it instead of tiredly scribbling whatever because someone told him to.  He's recognized a talent in art.  Yeay for Noah!

Secondly, Noah has a super soft heart for Zoe, although this isn't something I just figured out this week.  It is something that has been going on the day she was born.  The reason why it is a surprise is because he and Ellie have been such enemies in the past, and well, ...it hasn't really worn off.  There's the odd occasion when they are not fighting, ...but every other minute of the day it just seems like they are pushing each others buttons (which in turn pushes mine)!  The cutest is whenever Zoe cries, he rushes right up to her and says over and over as fast as he can, "don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcryZoedon'tcry..." which usually just adds to the noise, but it's pretty darn cute.  Or he will immediately rush up to her and sing "I am a Child of God."  Like, right in her face.  Haha!  He has decided that must be her favourite song.  The sweetest thing is usually it does work.  He loves looking into her eyes and putting his head right up to hers.  He thinks it's the greatest when she coos or smiles at him.  He is always so attentive.  Often times if I have to leave her in the swing to do something else, he will sit right beside her and make sure she has a friend to talk to.  It is honestly over-the-top adorable seeing my otherwise rowdy 4 year old show such love and attention to his baby sister.  I knew that Noah could be sweet to me, but I had no idea he had it in him for a fellow sibling.

...I wonder how long it will last.  Haha!  For now, I will enjoy it!



P.S. Just to add to this, last night we were picking up the three oldest from a friend's house and Zoe was in the car already and hers was MAD!  Noah hopped in the car and went straight to her, "Hey Zoe, how are you doing?  It's Noah!"  And then she looked at him and stopped.  And he continued to talk to her until I asked him to get his seatbelt on.  How cute is that?  Sigh.... 

A Spiritual Kick in the Butt.

So, after writing my woe-is-me post on Saturday night, I got a swift kick in the pants the next day at church.  It was fast and testimony meeting and I was in the Mother's lounge by myself with Zoe listening to the testimonies.  Well, a familiar voice comes on and I recognize it as Brittany's voice (one of my friends that I am seeing progress with and a connection), and she said that she was feeling like she had no friends and felt lonely, so she prayed for help from Heavenly Father that she could put herself out there and make some friends, and then that week someone invited her and a group of friends to get together.   Me.  She didn't say my name but I know she was referring to me (because she gave me a hug after church).  And this is where I started to cry all by myself in the Mother's lounge.  Humbling.  I didn't realize that I was being an answer to someone's prayers.  And this is where I feel grateful for putting myself out there even though it's been hard.  Apparently it's hard for others as well.  And I guess since she bore her testimony about friendship, she must think I'm pretty cool too, quirks and all.  Yeay! 

Looks like we are answering each others prayers. 

I love God.

The Period in my Heart and Soul... and Mind.

So I thought I was doing pretty well out here.  In fact, when I first moved here, I was so busy I didn't have time to really think about how much I missed home.  I actually really love it here.  People are friendly, the weather is beautiful, the trees are HUGE here and we're right by the water, so it's just gorgeous.  That's all there is to it.  But I think what I've realized is that although I love it here, I am glad it is only temporary.  At least, it better be.  Because I don't think I am one of those people who could live this far away from family and close friends forever.  I would choose family/friends over good weather/beauty.  I remember having a conversation with Jenny and Sarah after about a month of being here and I had just had Zoe and was worried about baby blues and post-pardum, and I thought I was handling things pretty well.  And THEN Jenny said, "You just wait until things finally get settled after a few months and you will be singing a different tune."  (So I know that I used quotations for Jenny.  I'm pretty sure she didn't say it quite like that, but you get the gist).  Well, she was right.  I feel like I should be on my period right now.  I want to eat chocolate and I am crying too easily.  The funny thing is I just came home from a girls night.  I got to leave the house and be among women, ...and I cried on the way home.  Change is hard.  Some days I feel like I am doing alright and finally making friends and adjusting, ...and then some days I feel like an alien.  Like today.  I stopped counting the number of times there were awkward silences and just went with it.  Change kind of forces you to become something that you are required to be in order to survive.  I guess I wouldn't know this leadership side of me had I not moved out here and been challenged.  I think Alysha taught me most about that.  I am becoming party-planner Barb, and silly-sassy Cassie, and reading frenzy-Jenny, and cleaning-freak Sarah (some days more than others.  I am not quite a green thumb Andy, ...but perhaps in the Spring.  And I will never be as witty as Tarilyn and Amelia.  I've accepted that).  I think I am taking all of the good things that my friends are and trying to incorporate them into myself.  So far, it's pretty exhausting.  But maybe that's because I have a 2.5 month old and I'm not getting the sleep I need.  Anywho, this post was meant to be a venting-post about being on my period that isn't really there, but it is in my heart.  Didn't I just write a venting-post?  Oh right.  I did.  Sheesh.  I suppose one can only vent about one thing so many times.  I will say that I feel like I am growing.  But I will also say that it is a lot of work and some times it is disappointing.  I am hoping in time that I will feel more comfortable in my skin here among all of these new people.  It's hard trying to figure out who I really am when my slate is wiped clean and I can be whoever I want.  I am a Mom (who takes her kids to the gym for swimming lessons and looks super nasty after her work out but still takes them to the library afterwards anyway looking super white-trash, but who cares because who am I trying to impress?).  A Wife (I'm pretty sure I married someone.  I don't recall seeing them ever, but I know he's out there somewhere).  A cook and clean (although my house never appears clean, I promise I do work on it every day).  And a who-knows-what when it comes to friends (An idiot trying to keep it together?).

I feel like this post stopped making sense a long time ago, but I know how I feel inside, so it sort of makes sense to me.  Maybe that is why I am a song writer.  I should stick to that and continue to write my abstract feelings into songs that only make sense to me. 

I am going to go to bed now.  I will keep you posted about whether this becomes a song or not.  That is ALSO something that requires energy.  It also requires alone time which these days is pretty impossible.  But that is another post altogether....