My New Life

I am lucky that Zoe has Kindergarten every other day.  So so very lucky!  This means our time together really counts when she is home.  And when she is not home?  Well, it's just me and Jane.  Those first couple weeks with the kids gone when it was just the two of us was strange.  This is the first time EVER it has been just US!  Who is going to play with you?  Oh.  Me.  I am.  It reminded me of the kind of Mom I was when Jackson was a baby.  The kind of Mom who gets on the floor and builds towers out of blocks with her kids.  The kind of Mom that helps her kid in and out of costumes.  The kind of Mom who sits and snuggles with their child as they watch a cartoon you don't care to watch, but you do anyway just to be close to them.  I am back there.  And it is a sweet feeling to slow down.  I really only have the morning with Jane to play with and love her, and then she naps all afternoon and I work in eery silence.  Something I have always wanted, and now that I have I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I snapped a couple pictures of Jane playing freely, with no siblings to get in her way!  I thought it was so cute that she wanted to dress up as a cat, and then the next minute she wanted to be a shopping doctor.  Because why not? 

Okay.  This picture below kills me.  Jane could not make a fat face if she tried!  Until this moment.  I am deeply impressed.  She reminds me of Chris Farley making a silly face.  What she is really saying behind those sweet, gentle eyes is, I am the Devil.  I know because I am her Mom.

This was our first week when the kids were back in school.  We had such lovely mornings and this was our first glimpse of Fall.  Zoe was such an attentive big sister and actually enjoyed playing with Jane.  I think this is what some people might call "friendship."

Eleanor

I met with Mrs David today.  Is that Ellie's teacher?  No.  It's actually a counsellor at the school.  Last year, Ellie had major problems with lying to her teacher about being sick so she could come home.  It got so bad that I couldn't tell if she really was sick or not.  Sometimes she was! She got step twice in one month.  But who knew because she constantly lied.  No amount of telling the story about the-boy-who-cried-wolf hit home for her.  Her teacher said there was a little group that she could join that met once a week with Mrs David.  She would work with them on each child's various needs.  In Ellie's case, she helped her with self-esteem as well as looking at the positive.  This started in Jan-Feb to the end of the year.  I asked her teacher towards the end of the year if she felt it was helping, and she said yes.  I thought that meant Ellie had stopped complaining about wanting to come home every day.  I certainly wasn't getting as many phone calls with her asking to come home.  But what it meant was that instead of Ellie complaining fifty times a day, it was more like a few.  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  Her teacher said she would recognize each complaint but try to distract and move forward.  Often they were about either feeling left out, or physical ailments.  I got her checked out physically last Spring to rule out Celiac or mental illness.  Maybe she had severe anxiety which made her physically sick?  Was she bipolar?  Sometimes she was my regular, sweet little Ellie and then on a dime she was an extreme Debbie Downer.  My heart dropped a little when I heard how often she complained to her teacher, and what a Saint her teacher was for having to put up with it.  Ellie has made some major strides this Summer being at home.  Maybe she just needed a break from school?  I couldn't understand it though because her teacher was seriously the nicest and sweetest teacher ever!  Maybe there was a kid in her class that she had a bad experience with?  To this day, I do not know.  It seems this type of thing happens to each of my kids to a degree when they start grade one.  The day they turn seven is the day they became a moody teenager.  The thing is, Jackson and Noah grew out of it.  Ellie was not growing out of this.  And when a teacher approaches you about your child, ...something is off.  Thankfully, Ellie enjoyed those times with Mrs David.  I met with her today to talk about Ellie's progress---which has been a lot.  She doesn't lie anymore.  She is rarely sneaky.  She tries really hard to show her love for me through serving me and being an amazing and attentive big sister to Zoe and Jane.  She rarely talks in her baby-voice anymore (that killed me).  She is showing me that she can get positive attention through being a leader.  I have also made an effort to be a better and more attentive Mom, and when she does something good, I praise her for it.  And I notice how it affects her positively.  I'm not sure it's enough, though.  I'm not sure I will ever be enough.  I remember being hurt by a comment from one of Jackson's friend's Mom back when he was in grade one.  Maybe it was Kindergarten.  Zoe would have been a baby.  She said, "I stopped at two because I wanted to make sure that I could give enough of my time and energy to both of my kids."  That.  Was.  Hurtful.  It hurt because I obviously had twice the kids she did.  And she knew it.  She knew she was saying, "You will never have enough energy and time to give each of your kids.  Just look at you."  I knew she was peering into my messy and noisy home as she said these words to me.  And then I went ahead and had one more.  Ha!  Just to make it more impossible to spread the love (and have a clean home).  As hurtful as it was, she is right to a degree.  Dividing my time takes organization and energy.  Both of which I am terrible at and working towards.  Walking out of Mrs David's office today I made the decision that I will calendar in one-on-one time.  I DO have one-on-one time, but it is not consistent and if it's not in the calendar, often time goes by and it never happens.  This is my year of change and of showing Ellie that although she is smack-dab in the middle of our family, she counts and she is loved.  Just tonight, I sat with her while she filled out a page in her journal and coloured a picture.  She talked more to me during that sitting than she has all week.  She has been talking about our mommy-time together all night and how special that was.  My eyes are open.  Now I just need to have more times like this, one-on-one.  Times five kids.

 I don't even have a picture of JUST Ellie.  #winning  But I love the pictures of these two sisters.  They are best friends and often tied at the hip.  I was trying to have some special girl-time and took them shopping for new school clothes.  I told them they could pick out anything in the store.  So they went straight for the most hideous headbands, which I got to pay full price for.  Ask me how often they wear these treasures?  I haven't seen them since.  #blessings

And this picture below is presh.  Lately I have been having to take Zoe to the bathroom before I go to bed.  She is a heavy sleeper and will not wake up on her own to go potty, which often results in a wet bed come morning.  As you can see, there aren't even sheets on the bed, likely because they are in the laundry from the day before.  So when I walked in on this, I had to take a picture.  Holding hands in their sleep?  It's too much.

Feather Pen Fairy Tales Workshop: Part Two

Thanks again to Alysha Sladek for snapping some shots at my Feather Pen workshop Part Two from last weekend!  Part One happened about a month before Part Two, and upon looking back I probably should have given myself a little more time (like a few months!!!).  Part One was just reading through the script which gave me a really great idea of what needed to be changed.  From here on out, I will always do a workshop sans music first and THEN do a workshop with music later.  Between Part One and Part Two, I did lots of editing, wrote a few more songs, added and re-worked some songs, and almost died from stress.  Things I wouldn't do again: Make a deadline between the end of Summer and beginning of school.  I am a Summer chick.  I love being outdoors.  And so do my kids.  It was really hard to balance our last days of Summer with writing and deadlines.  I just can't be held indoors when the sun is shining!!!  Also, ALL of my kids were home, always hovering.  Not the greatest atmosphere for trying to get work done.  And then what was I thinking trying to do this in September when the kids are all starting school and other new programs?  It's a full-time job just filling out school forms, paying for programs, being a taxi, and making lunches.  So.  Lesson learned.  About three weeks ago I almost called it in due to stress and being a terrible parent and human being.  I might get things done, but I feel like everyone around me pays the price.  I had made up my mind one night to email my cast the next morning to cancel.  As I sat at my computer the next morning, Mark Mitchell (my friend that I hire to score and arrange my music) had emailed me a truck load of songs that I had sent for him to rework.  I listened and read along to everything.  It was coming together.  This was going to happen.  In that moment, I made the choice to be a kinder Mom and human AS WELL AS finish this project as completely as I possibly could without dying.  Who was this for anyway?  Me.  So take a breath, Maren.  Perspective!  I am so glad I got my buns to work and just did it.  With lots of prayer and hard work, these things always come together, right?  So that's exactly what I did, and that's exactly what happened.  

I need to give a shout out to my cast and chorus: Ben Grunewald, Hilary Hornberger, Anika Gross, Sarah Strong, Alysha Sladek, Tanis Taylor, Zach Ayers, Matt Jenson, Marc Gilchrist, Jarett Cahoon, Ryan Shiskowski, and Janelle Jenson on piano.  And a big thank you to Caroline Russell-King who has been my mentor/dramaturg on this project since January.  It is a whole new script thanks to her making me work the hardest I've ever worked ever.  Also a huge thanks to Joe for his constant and unwavering support (and understanding when he comes home to a very undone house and frazzled wife).  Last weekend brought tears to my eyes not only because I was hearing my music sung back to me for the first time, which is an incredible feeling by the way, but also because these friends of mine keep coming back to support me in my journey as I continue to write and create.  Let's be real.  Workshop weekends are work!  I am asking people to take time out of their lives to be prepared to sing and read their parts in character, as well as ask and answer questions from their character's point of view---HOURS upon hours of work.  All as volunteers.  Because they are nice.  And maybe because I bring food?  They also all happen to be super talented, which is a major bonus for me.  

I was so happy with the music, particularly with the opening song, "Festival."  King Darius's section is my favourite and was a new addition from August's workshop.  At first I had no idea how I was going to insert him, until one day it just worked.  It wasn't my first idea, but I kept coming back to that section and knew I had to finish it.  Then bam!  It just spilled out of me in one evening.  And that is a lovely feeling.  I was very pleased with "The Trade" and "The Trade Reprise."  The reprise had me in tears actually.  Maren the blubbering chorister.  I knew I would cry when I was writing and recording the rough demo.  And as predicted, I sure did.  "The Plan" had us all laughing, which is exactly what I was hoping for.  "You Were in the Market" made my heart happy because romance is my jam.  I wrote that one days after the August workshop.  And I still like it.  I am still on the fence with "Just a Boy" but it is very close and I don't think I will throw it away.  Mark thinks that one is the most "Musical-Theatre" so now I can't possible toss it, can I?

After this workshop, I told myself I was going to take a major break.  Instead of sitting at my computer and piano this past week, I sat in front of my TV and was the laziest sack (although I DID manage to catch up on laundry).  It lasted three days.  I can't not write.  I don't know how to.  Also, I finished binge-watching my show.  So.  I think what I WILL do is not give myself deadlines for a while and just write for fun while kids are at school and in the evenings when Joe is away (which is what I TRY to do but often fail).  It becomes too much when I have to choose my kids/Joe/house/making dinner ...OR writing.  Here's to no deadlines!

Back Row L-R: Ben Grunewald, Zach Ayers, Janelle Jenson, Jarett Cahoon, Ryan Shiskowski, Marc Gilchrist, Matt Jenson, Joe Burnham, Caroline Russell-King.  Front Row L-R: Hilary Hornberger, Anika Gross, Me, Sarah Strong, Tanis Taylor, Alysha Sladek.

My Family 2017

Thank you to the ever-amazing Alysha Sladek for capturing my family.  Oh my!  I am in love with these photos.  I am grateful for the love and effort she put into each one.  I feel like she captured my little raggamuffins perfectly.

www.alyshasladek.com 

After a few minutes Jane decided she didn't want to be apart of our family.

Oh my heart.

Noah's little smirk has my heart.

And here's my twin.  He even has my smile.  And my teeth.  

And oh my.  That squinty smirk again.  He knows he's got it.

Eleanor is such a beauty.  I know this is the age of awkward-teeth-growing-in, but I am in love with her smile.

You can almost hear this girl's laugh just by looking at these pictures.  I just watch to smother those beautiful cheeks in kisses!

My girls.

Dance party!

Jane.  She was being a total squirt.  She was done the second she realized there was a camera on her and then happy the moment we were done.  I am amazed Alysha was able to capture what she did of this little toot.  

This was about the majority of the shoot for Jane.  Haha!  "I'm done Mom!"  But look at that beautiful Blondie-Blue in that darling little dress.  It makes me sad I will have no more little girls to save that dress for.

These two little buds.

I usually squirm a little when it comes to couple photos.  But not with these.  I feel like we were perfectly captured, though we may not be perfectly posed.  It's because Joe is making me laugh.  I love my husband.  I love the way he looks at me.  I love the man that he's become.

I think I have a wedding photo of us making the exact same faces coming out of the temple.  He still makes me laugh.  Every single day.  And I still feel like the lucky girl I truly was thirteen years ago.

My boys.

Though I love all of these captures, I think the last two are my favourite.  I am a lucky wife and Mama to call this gang mine.