Limitless

A few years ago I went to a song-writing seminar and the person directing it handed each person a card that said something different on the back of each one.  At that point in my life I was feeling pretty useless because I felt so limited.  I knew I couldn't do everything myself.  To put it into context, one example would be that I knew I couldn't play piano at the level I wanted to to be able to write certain styles of music.  I was limited.  Well, fancy my pants off when I turn the card around and it reads, "LIMITLESS."  Exactly what I did not feel.  She told us that these words were empowering words that could help us have the confidence in ourselves/believe in ourselves.  Telling yourself you are not good enough only makes you feel like a worthless blah.  So, I taped that word to my bathroom mirror and everyday I would look at it and remind myself that I can do anything if I really want to.  I bought the sheet music to Clare De Lune and told myself that I was going to learn this piece and play it in time for Joe for his birthday as his gift.  I only got in three pages (before the nasty key change), but I did it (mostly).  And to be honest, I didn't think I was going to make it past page one.  So I'll count this as a victory.  And that is when I got it in my mind that I was truly going to write a musical.  But I needed more experience, so I involved myself in four local theatre productions that following year (that I have already blogged mercilessly about), "Seven Brides," "Annie," "Drowsy Chaperone" and "Forever Plaid."  I grew so much.  I learned a ton.  Stage presence, directing, dancing, etc.  And honestly, some days I really did feel like I could do anything.  If I really wanted to, I could do it.   

Well, yesterday my friend Bracken Wilson told me about a Jazz dance class that she was registering for and that I should do it with her.  Well, it took me a millisecond before I knew that I totally wanted to join her!  And then immediately all of the insecurities crept in.  Have I taken a dance class in my life?  Once.  And I was five.  Oh wait.  I take it back.  I also took a hip hop dance class at 17.  That was 15 years ago people!  Have I been watching a little too much "So You Think You Can Dance?"  Maybe.  Can my body physically do what this class is going to demand?  I have no clue.  But readers, I am going to choose to be limitless on this one.    I am totally going to do it.

I'll let you know if I'm a pro by the end of my first class NEXT WEEK!

Sisters, France and Apple Orchards

The honest truth is, I bought a cute little vintage dress for Zoe online.  From France.  It was one of those "I can't resist you!" moments.  I honestly left it alone to see if I really cared, then kept coming back to it imagining the cutest little photoshoot I could do with the girls.  And I promise I never shop online.  So, I personally think it was kind of meant to be.  Which brings us to this here photo shoot of the girls.  I have many shots of the boys together, but nothing really of the girls, so before the weather changed too drastically, I thought it would be fun to do a sisters France-themed apple orchard type of shoot.  There is an Orchard near my house called "Frootogo" where you can pick your own apples and pumpkins, feed the animals and play in a farm-like play area.  It's kind of awesome.  And it was the perfect setting for these two little beauties!  I think you can really see their personalities in this shoot.  Ellie didn't need to be posed once (She was either all about the camera or totally zoned) and Zoe could not care less about a camera in front of her face.  I promise most of the pictures I took were of her backside running away from me.  "I just want to pick up apples from the ground and run Mom!"  So that's exactly what I let her do (It was a sweaty day for me).  But I still somehow managed to capture some in the wagon.   Bless that cute little wagon. 


This is Zoe's new face (below).  She's become a little gangtsa-baby.  "Yeah, this is my ride."  Honestly, so much of her personality reminds me of Noah.  
I know this shot above isn't in total keeping with the theme, but I kind of love it because it reminds me that Fall is approaching.  And Fall is awesome.  And I love Halloween.  Just ask Sarah.  I used to talk her ears off about it when we were little girls laying in bed.  And it would still be months away.  I haven't changed much.

Aaaaaand Zoe hated the hay.  I sat her up there thinking she would be stuck and I could manage a few shots this way, but she immediately tried to shimmy down all on her own---as you can see.  Ack!  What a little determined Toot!  I attempted putting her in a box to keep her still for one last shot and that was about all she had in her!
 
Ellie was a dream to photograph.  For one she was actually listening and looked at the camera when I asked her to.  And for another, the camera loves her!  She is so gorgeous it hurts!  I will never complain about not having blue-eyed babies again.  Her eye colour is amazing!  One of my friends commented on how angelic she looks in these pictures, to which Joe responded that yes, she is an angel, but it just depends on the morning which side she chooses to work for.  Haha!  (Joe's funny.  Sometimes).  She truly does look angelic, which I think goes along the lines of how our relationship has been going lately.  It seems like now that the boys are back in school and we have more one on one time, we are both a lot more gentle and kind with each other.  Less screaming.  Less melt downs.  More I-love-you's.  More hugs.  She will literally come up to me randomly and tell me that she loves me and will give me a great big hug.  A part of me wonders how much of that is calculated and how much of it is genuine.  Haha!  But you know what?  It's the most gentle she's been in a long time and it's kind of a nice place to be so I'll take it.  Just in time for Zoe to turn into a total monster.  One relief brings on another trial.  Ain't that how life goes!  But in all honesty, I can't stop looking at these pictures and thinking to myself that these beautiful little girls are mine.  They are each so unique in their own special way and I am proud to the nines of both of them and love them with all of my fibers.
 

Families Can Be Together Forever

Today was a much anticipated day.  I signed up the kids to sing in church about a month ago and this morning was the morning of the reveal!  Would my kids shout into the mic?  Would they giggle throughout the whole number?  Would they be too shy to sing and forget the words?  Would they cry?  Would they jump around?  Would Ellie meow the entire song?  Yes, these are things that have plagued me as I have awaited this day.  They sang one of my favourite Hymns, "Families Can Be Together Forever."  Noah got us off rolling on the right track before the song even started by blowing into the mic (everyone laughed) which set off Ellie who also blew into the mic hoping for a good laugh, too.  I think Jackson was mortified by it all.  Haha!   I had to go up and remind them to be reverent (kids will be kids, which is why the Primary Presentation is always the best sacrament meeting of the year) and then they began.  Jackson who has such a beautiful and pure voice was so super shy and quiet.  It was kind of cute seeing him like this since he is usually pretty confident, but he braved it out and did it.  I couldn't be more proud.  Noah was right on and sang nice 'n' loud in his cute scratchy all-boy voice.  I asked afterwards if he was a little nervous at all and he said he was, but he fooled me.  And while the boys looked at their feet the whole time, Ellie was beaming and looking out at each face in the congregation while smiling.  She just may be a true Ord.  I sat on the first row in case any of the kids forgot their words or needed their Mommy to look at.  Also because I wanted the best seat in the house.  The Spirit was very sweet and many people came up to me afterwards telling me that they truly felt a special Spirit.  I only wish their grandparents could have seen them.  What was really special though is that I invited my neighbours to come hear them sing and they came!  The whole meeting, I was trying to listen to the different talks through their ears, from a non-member's perspective and I loved every minute of that meeting.  It was all about eternal families.  I think the lyrics of this song says it all.

Jackson:  I have a family here on earth
Noah:  They are so good to me
Ellie:  I want to share my life with them through all eternity
All: Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan (or "plans" if you're my kids)
I always want to be with my own family and the Lord has shown me how I can
The Lord has shown me how I can

Jackson: While I am in my early years
Noah:  I'll prepare most carefully (Noah's non-R's totally get me here!)
Ellie:  So I can marry in God's temple for eternity (I always gloss up hearing Ellie sing this)
All:  Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan
I always want to be with my own family and the Lord has shown me how I can 
The Lord has shown me how I can

I loved hearing my kids sing this.  The boys were wearing white shirts and Ellie had on a beautiful white dress and to me they looked just like angels.  I told Ellie afterwards that she looked just like an angel to which she emphatically responded, "I'm not an angel!"  Truer words were never spoken.  Haha!  Anywho, all of those rehearsals (some cute.  Some not-so-cute) were all worth it for this moment today.  Those kids worked really hard to learn all the words and practice being reverent (which I think was the hardest part!  We even have a rehearsal video to prove it!), and honestly I couldn't be more proud.  I wondered if maybe I was expecting too much out of them to learn their own line or sing in front of a big group of people, but honestly, you just never know until you try!  They could have been silent the whole time, or cried, or bounced around, or meowed (seriously I wouldn't put it past Ellie!).  But they did it.  The best part of it all, of course, was the message they sang about.  Heavenly Father loves us so much that he gave us families to care for us.  When I think of the line "they are so good to me" I wonder if I can say that about myself.  Am I good to my kids?  Am I good to my parents?  It's a great reminder of how Heavenly Father wants me to be.  I feel way too blessed for the family that I grew up in, the family I got to inherit when I got married, my ward family and the young family I am starting now with Joe.  Today was one of those days where I truly felt, "could life be sweeter?"  (I'm going to hold on to this moment, because I know tomorrow is another day completely.  Ha!).  I'm so grateful that I get to have my family for all eternity.  What a beautiful thing!   

September Is Here

I find that with September comes order.  No more lazy days at the park or beach.  No more letting the house go because we spent the whole day outside.  No more not-showering/bathing the kids because going swimming was enough and we're just going to do it again tomorrow.  Nay.  September is here.  And I am ready for it.  I think I need order.  I thrive on a schedule.  Plus, I love the change in seasons.  Being out East I love it a LITTLE more because it lasts so much longer and is far more lovely.  We are starting to feel that crispness in the air again which is so refreshing (because those humid 35 degree days can get old.  I said it).   The change in air is making me want to actually be in my kitchen again baking (and actually making real dinners---sorry Joe and children).  Last year when Colette came to visit she showed me Grandma Gibb's bread recipe and I have been making it ever since (minus the Summer months because who wants to turn their oven on?!).  It is something I feel I can take a tiny bit of pride in because I have been consistent with it ...AND it's delicious!  I don't do a lot of things perfectly (shocking.  I know), so I feel the need to pat myself on the back for that one just a teeny bit.  My kids don't know how good they have it.  Haha!  Getting back into the kitchen this week has been just as refreshing as the change in season.  Almost soothing.  It is also making me excited for goals and getting into a rhythm, much like the churning-rhythm of my Bosche (did ya like that one?).  Although I loved my Summer, it was also full of a lot of not-getting-stuff done.  Or undoing things.  Like the top button of my pants because I ate too much.  Gym, can we be friends again? And then you and I can hang out with the pants I like to wear?  I'd like that a lot.  I guess maybe I shouldn't be baking things like bread if I want to have lofty ambitions such as being friends with my pants again, but one step at a time, right?  Anywho, internal monologue over.  At least that one.  I think what I'd like to drive home here is that I am looking forward to the tiny pieces of my life happening again.  For example, my musical.  I have only touched it a few times over the Summer which was frustrating because as I was working on it that's all I really wanted to do.  All.  The.  Time.  But the sad reality is that I knew I couldn't because I had to be a Mom first (which I love doing, let's make that clear), ...and then Joe was home in the evenings, so like a good wife (and because I kind of like him), we spent those evenings together.  The thought of getting back onto that musical train excites me to no end, ...but also scares me.  It's been a week and a half of school already, and Joe's first week back, so I'm thinking it's about time to get back into the swing of things but the thought of it already exhausts me!  I give myself every other excuse not to do it.  WHY?  I want to do it so WHY am I blogging instead of writing a musical?  I know it's because I feel the need to rev myself up for a huge project.  I need to prepare myself to lose sleep over this (because I do, ...at 1:47 in the am when I have a tune in my head and I know I need to jump up and record it in my voice memos so I don't forget it isn't always fun but it's always rewarding).  I need to prepare myself to be let down (because I have a loving husband who is very real with me).  I need to prepare myself to be frustrated (because when I want to desperately write something great and nothing comes out because my creative energies have been depleted or I am not a skilled enough pianist---it sucks).   But nothing is greater than that feeling of seeing something that you've been working so hard on finally come together and make something that is beyond what you thought you could do.  It is a very satisfying feeling---much like taking a bite out of that fresh-out-of-the-oven slice of bread dripping with butter and honey.  Am I right or am I right?  It is also a humbling feeling as well.  So, ...I guess that's what I need to remember going into this.  I promised myself that I would be finished writing this thing by the end of the year, ...so let's get to work Maren.

September is here!

Zoe Got Her Shots.

Zoe had her one-year shots today.  I will always hate those.  She's at the age now where they ask you to hold your child as they inflict pain on them and YOU have the be the one to hold them down.  Hate.  Hate.  Hate.  After a good cry we eased our sadness by getting McDonald's together.  She weighed-in at 20.7 lbs! Well done Zoe (and thank you McDonald's)!  Her height is in the 50th percentile and her weight is on curve. So we're doing good. She's happy and healthy. And busy. I swear, the day she turned one she decided to really give me a run for my money.  She's become the ultimate Sass (when she's mad she scream-grunts while slapping her hands either together, or on her face or her legs.  It is hilarious!  She's trying to be mad but only comes off as adorable) and she is constantly going... as you can see from these pictures below.  She doesn't walk, she runs.  Well, I guess it's more of a waddle.  I was just at Target this morning after her shots and a lady said, "She doesn't look old enough to be moving around like that!"  I couldn't agree more.  Slow down!  

Zoe, you are so full of personality it hurts. You can make silly faces with the rest of us and love to either be laughing (which these days sounds like a very uncomfortable snort-like chuckle---as though you have something in your throat and you're trying to clear it), or making others laugh.  Another clown in the Burnham clan.  Don't we have enough of those?  You've also got the flirty/shy-look down, which I think is my favourite and can melt anyone's heart. Especially your Dad's.  It's kind of your thing together.  And every time I leave the house with you I can count on someone making a comment about your beautiful curls. I eat it up because you are my first with curls like this, so all I can do is inwardly agree that yes, you have beautiful curls.  We were at the Costco cafeteria earlier this week and there was no missing you.  You didn't want to sit still so you'd walk around right up to this or that person, babbling away and they just fell in love with you.  In fact a woman approached me and said, "Can I ask a favour of you?  My husband is handicapped so he can't turn around and I've been trying to describe your beautiful daughter to him.  Do you mind bringing her over so he can see her?"  Um.  Yes.  I almost cried, of course.  I thought you were just cute to me, ...but I guess the whole world is just as in love with you.  At least the whole world inside the Costco cafeteria.

Let's see, what else?  I keep thinking that I'll remember all these cute things throughout the month by making a "mental" note of them, but I'm realizing what I really need is a pen and paper if I truly want to remember!  You are getting much better at mimicking sounds, so your vocab is growing by the day.  I'll share one of my favourite things from this month that you have caught onto faster than I could have ever imagined;  You know exactly when to say "amen" (aaaaaah-mah!) at the end of a prayer.  In fact, you will often try to beat the person saying it to the punch and you always have this proud look of achievement when you do!  Seriously, you must be listening pretty intently to know when the end of a prayer is near.  You never miss!  You have also got the hang of folding your arms, ...for about two seconds.  But it's a start!  And it's about the cutest thing I've ever seen.  You'll clasp one arm over the other, smile proudly, ....and then we're done.   One more thing, you love music.  You shake your head all over the place and bounce up and down to the beat.  But the cutest is you LOVE the song, "I Am a Child of God" which we often sing for FHE.  You will sing along, "Aaaaaaaaaaah!" (which is less of an angelic tone and more of a "happy" scream) and wave your arms around frantically (mimicking whoever is leading the music).  I love it.  All those months of directing musicals while you were in the womb is officially starting to pay off.

You are changing so fast, new teeth, longer hair, faster steps, yet there are a few things that are still the same.  You and Ellie are still mortal enemies.  Jackson and Noah dote on you like you're the best thing since chocolate milk.  You still suck on your bottom lip when you're tired and about to fall asleep, and you are the happiest (sassiest) and cutest little baby girl ever!  The end.   

BACK to School!

Back to school. BACK. It feels weird saying that, and yet, my boys already have a year under their belt. This is not a new thing anymore. But I don't think it made it any less hard.  Lies.  That's a lie.  Last year was WAY harder.  In so many ways.  With Jackson MAYBE starting first grade last year and crying every day for a week, and Noah my four year old baby going to school every day, all day, so young!  But we got into a groove and even came to enjoy our new routine.  We had our school blessings this past Sunday and I thought it would be neat to re-visit the blessings that Joe gave us from last year the night before (I have the audio file saved on my computer) and it was so neat to see the things that have quietly come to pass over the year and it made me so grateful.  What a testimony booster.  Noah was brave and came out of his shell and even became social.  Jackson was a leader and a good example to his younger siblings.  Ellie and I became closer over the year.  Actually, when Joe and I listened to that part we both looked at each other and laughed.  And then Joe said, "Some things take more time than others."  Ha!  So funny.  Although Ellie and I butt heads quite a bit this year, I will have you know that we have actually come to a really great place in our relationship.  I think.  It's much better than last year anyway, so I'll take it!

Most importantly as far as this past year goes, no one got kidnapped, shot on school property, molested, or introduced to pornography, so I'm pretty content.  I know that sounds pretty harsh but I truly think about these things.  I was seriously raised to be paranoid.  It's in my blood.  To top it off, in Jackson's blessing this year Joe mentioned how he will have more and more dangers introduced to him and he will have to do his best to make the right choices, and WHEN he doesn't he'll know how to make things right, etc.  WHEN!  Ack!  All this says to me is that he will be another statistic of pornography.  Boys.  Age seven.  First time viewers.  That honestly breaks my heart so much and I know I am talking like it's already happened, but I think that's my way of preparing myself for when it does eventually happen.  I just hope that he does the right thing by turning away from it.  What I'm really hoping for is that he'll never have this problem.  Ever.  And now I'm done thinking about it.  On a happy note, the boys had a great day at school.  Noah has the same teacher as last year, Mrs Felps, along with a fill-in, Miss Jefferies, until Mrs Elliott gets off maternity leave in a couple months.  When we turned the corner behind the school where the kids usually line up, Noah lit up when he saw her (and thankfully Miss James is in the line right beside his so we got to say hi to her as well!).  Jackson on the other hand leaned into me and said, "I'm shy Mom."  Which I think is adorable BECAUSE the whole walk to school he was nothing but confidence and excitement.  And then reality set in I guess.  But we met his teacher, Mrs Volpe, who seems like a really nice lady and set him at ease right away.  I get the vibe that she's a lot like Colette, and I'm going to keep hoping she is.  Just vibrant and fun, full of energy.  Well anyway, we went to line up and in front of us are these really tall kids.  I swear they must have been ten!  Jackson is in a grade one-two split this year and all I could think of was, "these grade two kids are HUGE!  Did they really grow that big over the Summer???"  Well, turns out, they were a separate class.  Ha!  So they probably were, in fact, ten.  Phewf!

All day while they were at school I had this pit of anticipation in my gut.  I think the reason being that last year was such a gong show the first week that I wasn't sure how today would go especially since grade one for Jackson is such a change from Kindergarten AND it's a one-two split with bigger kids (not quite ten, thank goodness).  But he came out with a smile on his face!  Sigh....  And I wasn't worried about Noah.  I knew he would love it.  Even just before dinner tonight Noah proclaimed how much he LOVES school.  I think we were all ready for it!

Here's to another year! (P.S. Just for the record, I would never buy that ugly backpack for Jackson.  He did extra chores to save up for it and bought it HIMSELF!  I thought he would forget about it, or change his mind and spend it on a new LEGO set or something, ...but he really wanted this "Star Wars Angry Birds" backpack.  He even reminded me more than several times that we need to go to Old Navy and buy it when he had enough money.  Ha!  So ugly.  But cute on him.  I guess).

And a thumbs up from Jackson. How appropriate since he is kind of the one I worry the most about.  Not because I think he's a bad kid, (in fact, he's an amazing kid with great leaderships skills, he's responsible and has the biggest heart anyone could ask for and he's a wonderful big brother)...but because I know he's a year older and he will be surrounded by kids a year older than him that will introduce new things to him that will take his innocence slowly away.  For now, I will be grateful that he is the sweet little boy he is!  And I will be encouraged by the blessing he was given to make good choices and follow the Spirit.

As for me, I am ready.  I wasn't sure if I would be, but as I went about my day today and reminded myself what routine was again, it was refreshing.  I do miss the boys during the day, but I happen to get a lot more done.  I was also given a blessing on Sunday and one of the things that was said was that I need to continue working with the various music projects I've been working on.  I cried.  Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing with this musical is even worth it.  Who's going to hear it?  See it?  Be apart of it?  There have been so many hours and late nights put into this and I just wonder if it will amount to anything, ya know?  So, it felt really good to hear that.  Even if it doesn't amount to anything, perhaps it will lead me to my next venture.  If anything, I have totally grown in ways I had no idea I could just from trying it out.  I feel really grateful.  And ONE more thing before I end this never-ending post: Another thing I feel grateful for is my kids.  I really felt that today.  As we were walking home from school today, my neighbour's mother was visiting and she noticed I had four kids.  Usually when people say, "Are all those kids yours?"  I think, "Here we go."  But today when she said it, she said it with such praise that I felt proud of my kids and proud of myself for taking on a "bigger" family.  She kept praising me and my beautiful kids and said she just loved seeing larger families like this.  Wow.  That was just really nice to hear.  Instead of the, "you must be crazy" comments I am used to, she was making me feel like I was the luckiest woman on earth to have these four beautiful children.  And today, that is exactly how I feel.

One lucky gal.