I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home

With a travelling hubby, there is so much more meaning to the song, "I'm so glad when Daddy comes home."  Last weekend, Joe was flying into Edmonton from Boston for a couple days before flying out again to California (poor guy), so we decided to meet up with him there.  One of our favourite parks is Jackie Parker Park.  There are literally five playgrounds to choose from so when your kids get bored of one you just move on to the next.  It can get a little stressful if one decides to wander without letting you know, but thankfully we had enough adults and cousin-helpers since Sarah and her fam met up with us too!  The kids treated Joe like they were seeing Santa Claus for the first time.  I loved watching all of the love happen (and I enjoyed the break).  Here are a few pics from our fun day at the park.  October has been an awesome month for us.  Thank you sunshine. 

I worry about what our new lifestyle is going to be like with Joe's new job requiring him to travel so much.  So far he has been really good at calling and keeping us posted when he's gone and being "there" when he's home.  I have found it is a constant effort trying to keep our marriage alive and family running smoothly with this new transition.  But I know it will be worth it.  Okay.  Fine.  I don't really know, but I HOPE it will.  What I DO know is that Joe is happy and excited about his job which is a true blue first, so this is me supporting my husband.  And I know that he does this for us.  He doesn't want to travel and be away, but those are the prices he has to pay early on.  I wish he didn't, but there are worse things in life.  The hardest part is having the kids ask where Dad is and when he's going to be home.  It has only been three weeks of this and I'm pretty sure we have at least three more years ahead of this.  My latest focus has been making the time count when we are all together as a family.  And I think it's working.

Tender Mercies and Miscarriages

The last few days have been perhaps some of the hardest days I've had to overcome to date.  Tomorrow I would have been ten weeks pregnant.  Yesterday I lost my baby.  I found out for sure today.  I wondered if I should write about this, because it's such a personal thing.  But I realized that this is one of my babies.  This little peanut counts, too, and I don't want to act like it never happened no matter how sad I am about it.  This pregnancy has been one of the easiest pregnancies I've had yet.  Maybe that should have been a red flag from the start, because I wasn't possibly sick enough.  I didn't throw up once with this baby.  I was queasy to mildly nauseas.  Enough that I needed to take anti-nausea meds, but not so bad that I couldn't function.  It was such a blessing.  But in the back of my mind, I wondered if it was too good to be true.  And now that the baby is gone I am sadly realizing I have to do this all over again.  I have to wait however many months to see the plus sign on the pregnancy test.  That part in and of itself is a roller coaster.  And the next time I get pregnant, assuming I do, will be harder because I will likely be throwing up like I'm used to and if I'm not sick enough I will constantly question if the baby is going to make it.  This time around I will be constantly checking my underwear for blood each time I go to the bathroom.  This is me being 100% selfish.  This is me not wanting to do the hard stuff all over again and not know if I'll get a baby at the end of it.  This is me being paranoid about death, because I am.  Did I not just write an entry about how I always wonder "when is it my turn for something awful to happen?"  Well.  It just did.  And I cannot tell you the terrible sorrow I feel at losing this baby.  As if the physical part of losing gushes of blood with each move I made and passing blood clots larger than my palm each time I stood up (I stopped counting after ten) and trying to walk around without fainting weren't enough.  The emotional roller coaster was even harder.  I would prepare myself for the worst, and then I'd read someone's story on the internet that sounded a lot like mine and the baby made it.  Hope!  I would pray and find peace.  But was the peace there because the baby would be okay and make it through this, or because I would overcome the loss and things would be okay in the end?  Today I had an ultrasound to confirm everything that has happened over the last few days.  The baby had passed.  And I didn't know.  I inspected each blood clot as they came with tears in my eyes and a sick feeling wondering, "Is this the baby?"  They all looked the same.  I allowed myself to hope that maybe it hadn't passed.  Thankfully the ultrasound tech today was quick and allowed me no time to stew and hope.  It was a tender mercy.  What wasn't a tender mercy and quite possibly the most terrible part of this whole experience was going to the hospital yesterday and watching the nurses try to find a heartbeat.  They assured me it might be too early to find one and it could mean nothing, but it made me so sick to hear the loudest silence I have ever heard.  If Doctor Wong can find a heartbeat at eight weeks with one of my earlier pregnancies, then surely you can find one at ten.  Let's go back to tender mercies though.  I am forcing myself to focus on the positives or I will fall apart.  So, here's my attempt.  Joe has been away a LOT!  He has been out of town three weeks in a row (with the exception of being home on weekends) and the day he got home is the day I started to bleed.  Imagine if I had to go through this while he was away?  He turned into Superman.  And what woman doesn't dream about that everyday?  Honestly though, he rose to the occasion.  He did all the hard stuff that I was too upset or exhausted to do.  He made me lie down and rest.  He held me when I needed it.  He took over the Mom duties with the kids.  He was funny when I needed to stop crying.  He was a rock.  He just did everything right.  I am so lucky to have him.  Another tender mercy was that this miscarriage was relatively quick.  I prayed that Heavenly Father would either make it quick if this was what was happening, or help me to have clarity the other way.  He didn't take away my pain or the trial, but he shortened what could have been a much more drawn out trial.  Although the past two days have felt like an eternity, the hardest part was over within 24 hours.  It could have been so much worse and so much more painful.  Another tender mercy was after we found out about our awful news today we had to go pick up Jackson and Noah from school.  I stayed in the car because I didn't want the other Moms to notice my yellow skin and tear-stained and snotty-nosed face, but when the boys came in the car, they cheered me up so much (and thankfully were clueless to my sadness).  I have four beautiful and healthy children.  And although that fact doesn't take away the sting of losing this baby that I was planning for and wanting to hold on May 25th, 2015 (or a week later because my kids tend to like coming late), it sure made me smile.  I also had my sisters and my Mom at my fingertips.  I was way too wussy to actually get on the phone with them because all it would have taken for me to burst into tears again was hear their voices.  Their words and advice helped me through this as a first-timer.  I am sad that some of them have experienced this before, because I would never wish this on anyone, but they helped me to know what to look for and what their experiences were like.  That is something that my husband couldn't do, so I was grateful to them for their support and love and prayers.  I understand that this entry sounds undeniably whiney as I know personally of some people that have gone through much worse in terms of losing their baby (and in some cases babies).  I could not imagine anything worse than what I just went through, and yet I know there is worse and I want to recognize that.  I suppose in a way, that is another tender mercy.  As hard as this was, it could have been so much worse.

I don't pretend that I am at all okay with what just happened.  I am sad.  I am confused.  I am exhausted.  And although I do recognize the Lord's hand in my life, I am not Superwoman physically, spiritually or emotionally.  One day I will be okay.  That day is not today.  But someday.


*    *    *    *

It is the next day.  And now I know there is a reason that I didn't see the baby pass on Sunday.  It's because it passed today (two days later).  I don't know how the ultrasound tech missed that bit of information yesterday, likely because my amniotic sac had been drained?  Whatever the case, I started cramping and bleeding again and passed the baby this afternoon (no more clots and not a lot of bleeding, just a quick go).  It was horrifying.  I almost passed out and Joe wasn't available to help me right away (because even Superman has to work I guess), but I am glad it is over.  I know in my mind that I wasn't crazy on Sunday and that I didn't miss the baby passing.  The baby just came late.  Like all of my babies do.  Now that that bit of awfulness is behind me, it is time to heal.  We are having a pizza party Harry Potter movie night with my kids so I can feel like a human being again.  Joe will be doing 100% of the work so I can just enjoy tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Lots to be grateful for this past weekend as we celebrated Thanksgiving.  Baby (Wendy) Lynn Peters had her baby blessing.  I took a few snaps of her in her little blessing dress and bonnet that Grandma Gibb made.  How beautifully perfect!  She is a chunky piece of darling and that dress is gorgeous.  I guess since we are still living with the Burnhams I manage to NOT take out my camera for family events because I see them all the time.  Bad Maren.

But I did take out my camera for the Ord-side of events.  I was too busy eating to take pics of the beautiful meal, but let's just suffice it to say that it was delish and much appreciated!  After the meal we threw together a talent night.  Mostly, the grandkids came up and either sang a song, played an instrument (piano, guitar and most commonly the nose flute) or danced.  There was much dancing.  Jake sang an original song and it totally brought me back to when I was his age.  Was it really that long ago that I would play for roomfuls of people?  Yes.  It was.  I was really proud of him hearing him sing.  He has a real talent.  Karen and I brought ourselves back to 1990-something and sang a Sarah McGlauchlan song, "Mary" that we used to sing together all the time.  Madi, of course, danced.  And, of course, made me cry because her dancing was so beautiful and I happened to glance at Mom who was already crying, and then Jenny and I looked at each other and it was all downhill from there.  It was also sweet to watch Gabe dance with Madi.  They have such a special bond.  Most of the grandkids played piano pieces and they are already crazy good!  Definitely surpassing me!  And Wren and Zoe got to know each other a little better.  Wren is pretty shy in large groups so it took her a while, but by the end of the night she was dancing and singing along to "Nightmare Before Christmas."  Oh I loved it.  And I loved watching Doug be a Dad.  It's my second time watching it.  First time was right when she was born before we moved away.  You can tell he has this fatherly pride and a maturity about him.  My little bro whom I used to dress up with, drive to seminary with and talk gospel, and help dress after his mission is growing up!  Eep!

The next day, those who were still around got together and went for a little nature walk. I think one of my fav things to do is exactly what we did that day.  It was such a beautiful day for mid-October! James and Joe were foolish... I mean BRAVE enough to dunk themselves in the water all the way. Jackson and Josh wanted to show they were tough too and dunked just their heads. Crazy boys. The rest of us were content throwing rocks in the water, ...and Jenny may have even mastered the skipping rock.

Joe was away this weekend and missed sharing family time.  He's been away for about two weeks for training with his new job and leaves again for another week.  It's... hard.  But if I am going to look on the "thanksgiving" side of things, I am thankful he has a job and that it's something he is excited about and has a passion for.  And although the kids ask about when we will move out of Granny's basement, I am grateful we have a place free of charge to crash while we're figuring things out and a patient Mother and Father in law who allow us to take over without complaint.  Sometimes I wish they would complain so I would see that they are human, but alas, they are truly Saints.  Or aliens.  Of the six months that we've been here, I have not seen or heard one bad thing come out of them.  So, I am thankful for their example.  While I find things to complain about they show me that life is pretty darn good.  I need their example more than they know.  I am especially thankful for my little growing family.  I still see Zoe as my baby, and yet, here she is already two and talking like a big girl and walking like a big girl and doing everything like a big girl!  When did this happen?  Honestly, I look at each of my healthy and happy kids and feel uber blessed.  Something that I have been trying to work on these days is trying to be more positive and live in the now.  Usually I would think to myself, "everything is too good, so when is the bad thing going to happen?  It's going to happen soon, I know it.  And how bad is it going to be?"  Yes.  I am a touch crazy that way.  But what good does it do thinking that way?  So, I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who is helping me to see the good in my life and not get paranoid about the unknown.  I am not perfect at it yet, but I sure need a lot of help, and that is where my Saviour and Heavenly Father come in.  Who would I be without Them?

Corn Maze Date

Today was amazing. It's almost mid-October. It's 20 degrees outside. And I had half my kids for the afternoon. Jackson was at a friend's house and Zoe was at home napping (with Granny and the other babes), and Joe was out of town.  So it was just me, Noah and Ellie.  I had been wanting to take the kids to the corn maze for quite some time now, but the prices have gone up!  So taking my whole family would break the bank, so to speak, for what you're getting.  Don't get me wrong.  We all had a blast, and they upgraded the place since our last visit a few years back.  But a family of six... it's just a lot.  A family of three, however?  I could do that.  So, that's exactly what I did today!  Having two kids is SOOOOOOOOOOOO easy.  I've got one hand for each.  They are old enough.  And since Noah and Ellie are so close in age, they both enjoyed the same things instead of one kid wanting to go here or there or someone needs to go potty or needs a diaper change or they ALL want ice cream and it's five bucks a pop.  You know how it is.  But when it's just two?  Man.  We did the works and had a blast.  I even went as far as buying them cotton candy when they asked AND a slurpee.  I started feeling they were getting a little spoiled when Noah asked for another slurpee.  I had to draw the line somewhere.  Even though I kind of wanted another, too.  They were three bucks!  Anywho, we did this bouncy thing, the tire-horse thingy, the train ride into the corn field (which was also extra---I outdid myself), we fed the animals, did rubber-duck racing, lassoed some fake bull heads, watched some pig-racing, played in the park and in the little mini-houses.  I think that was the cutest part of the park.  There is a row of these mini-houses; One is a church, one is a school, one is the sheriff's office with a jail.... oh my heck.  The kids played in those houses forever.  What I loved most about today was that I got to spend a lot more quality time with my kiddos.  Not all of them at once, but a couple at a time and it was a very special (and stress-free) day.  Aside from when Noah thought he lost me at the very end.  In the last picture he still has his sad cry-face.  Poor guy.  But going back to the whole sentimental stuff, there is a picture I nabbed with Noah grabbing my hand.  This boy is six years old.  And he still grabs my hand.  I cannot tell you how much that melts me.  Jackson will hold my hand when no one is around.  But Noah will hold it whenever.  I love that he is still my little baby.  I sometimes forget that he and Ellie are pretty much the same age-distance apart as he and Jackson, so this afternoon was a great time for them to bond together.  They are such buds.  My other fav pic is the close-up of them on the train.  You can't tell we're on a train because that's how close I am to their faces, but man-oh-man, they are cute kids.  I am blessed.

General Conference Weekend

This weekend was General Conference which I always look forward to, and the talks did not disappoint.  I will say that I think prayer has a lot to do with receiving Spiritual guidance.  Although I had been praying generally leading up to GC, Saturday morning was a rush of trying to get things going (I slept in.  Whoops!), and I did not have time to really pray beforehand.  However, before the second session on Saturday I made some time to kneel down and get specific in my prayers and guidance, etc.  And I'm pretty sure every talk that afternoon was for me.  Man, I love General Conference.  Elder Christofferon's about Justice and Mercy and taking responsibility for your own actions was a huge one for me.  I also really loved President Uchtdorf's and Elder Bednar's as well (as always).

Well, inbetween sessions Joe took some time out to teach our boys how to be real mountain men (and Ellie a mountain she-man).  We had a fire and did tinfoil dinners Saturday night, and hotdogs over the fire Sunday night.  Joe is a really good Dad and husband.  Sometimes I am just not on top of everything and I have no energy to be fun.  But Joe always does.  He kind of makes up for where I lack.  One thing said in conference that really stood out to me was that we can't afford to give our kids our left-over time.  We need to give them our best.  Which means, I need to make some major changes.  I definitely allow other things get in the way of what really matters.  Which is giving our kids the best me.  Not my left-over grumpy self who didn't finish her list that day.  The funny thing is, I thought I was doing pretty good.  I have been working on a goal this past year to be more gentle and kind and soft-voiced towards my kids and husband.  Some days I am awesome.  And some days not so much.  Anywho, now that I am getting better at that goal, I suppose it's time to step it up.  It's time to be more present (as I am blogging and not being with my kids.  Ha!).  Let's not miss family scripture study and let's not make FHE a last-minute thrown-together thing.  I have a lot to work on, but I don't feel overwhelmed.  I feel excited about trying to live up to the standard I know I can.  That sounds really Molly-Mormon, but trust me when I say I have a LONG way to go before anyone is calling me that. Anywho, here are some fun pics of our weekend.


The kids are in LOVE with these toys. I love when they can turn off the electronics and simplify their lives by just using their imagination and playing with their toys.  Fancy that.  Happy General Conference weekend!!