Baby Blues?

I thought it would be neat to look back on my blog at what life was like a year ago.  Well.  A year ago, Jane was a beautiful tiny sweet little baby!  Oh my!  And then I started reading.  I read a LOT of old posts.  Her birth story.  Some pregnancy posts.  Most of them whiney.  And lots of them about how I find myself unsure if Jane completes our family.  Is she my last?  So much stewing!  Even a year later I still feel the same things.  I am sick at the thought of being pregnant again.  I am sick at the thought of all the throwing up that will need to happen and all the while being a functional and fun Mom.  How is this possible?  It's not.  I have never been so back and forth about anything in my life.  How is this so unclear?  One minute I am determined that having a baby is a really bad idea.  And then I look at old baby pictures and my heart is softened and remembers only the wonderful.  Let us remember that I am 36 and by the time I have a baby of any sort I would be in my late thirties.  Let us remember the pain I went through not that long ago with Jane and remember that I am that much older now and that much more inclined to feel even greater pain.  What am I thinking?  I know what I'm thinking.  I just read Jane's birth story.  I am thinking it is worth it.  Every last ounce of pain.  It stinks, but it is all totally worth it.  Even reading through the pregnancy posts about terrible this and terrible that, I was still thinking, "Aw.  I miss that.  A little."  Only a little.  But enough.

I will wake up tomorrow and remember why I keep telling myself that I'm done at five.  But tonight, I am sad and confused and my heart hurts a little.  For now, I will drown myself in adorable pictures of Jane.

Middle Child Mommy-Daughter Date

So, I took my own advice from my last post, and took Ellie out on a date the very next day.  She has a friend with a birthday party coming up so I let her pick out a gift for her, and then I let her pick out a little something special for herself.  As we passed the beanie-boos, she exclaimed, "Oh.  I've always wanted this one."  She hugged it and then she put it back.  And then I told her I would buy it for her.  She's been working extra hard and doing extra chores to earn a Lego set, so she was bewildered!  "I don't have to buy it with my own money?"  "My treat."  She could not stop saying, "this is the best day ever!"  We then went to McDonald's for lunch.  At first she said she just wanted to go through the drive-thru.  I told her we were going to go in and have a nice visit together while we ate.  They had colouring sheets, so I grabbed one for me and one for her and we coloured and ate and chatted.  We talked about school and how Mrs Peverett is letting her be a helper at school.  Se gets to erase the white board which is pretty great.  We talked about her favourite centres at school (the dollhouse) and what she likes to do at recess and who she plays with at recess (some girl in grade six.  Hmmm.  And no, she doesn't know her name.  Haha!).  We talked about our colouring pages and how we kept copying each other.  It was cute and we laughed and joked a lot.  After a while she said, "it was nice to have a visit, Mom."  Ellie is very cute one on one.  Wow.  It makes such a difference when I give her all of my attention and do the things that she loves to do.  Colouring, beanie-boos and McDonald's.  I know this is not realistic to do all the time.  She cannot always have her way nor can she always have the beanie-boo she wants when she wants it.  But it sure felt good to be the one to treat her and shower her with attention.  I usually leave the spoiling up to Joe, but Mommy-daughter dates are pretty great too.   All through our lunch and even on the way home she continued to say, "this is the best day ever!"  I genuinely loved my time with her and my heart burst with pride that this girl is mine.  Best day ever is right.

I need to do this more often.

Girlfriends and Boyfriends

I am so lucky to have the kids I do.  It kind of works out nicely that the two boys are together and then the three youngest are all girls.  Tonight after all the girls were in bed, I hung out with my boyfriends, Jackson and Noah.  We went on a walk outside together while Joe tucked the girls in and best news, Noah will still hold my hand.  He turns nine next month.  Then Joe had to go to Bishopric tonight, so the boys and I played Scrabble and then held hands in a circle and danced to Taylor Swift in our too small kitchen.  It was awesome.  We laughed.  And then we laughed some more as I tucked them in and discovered that Noah is just as ticklish as Zoe.  Even under his chin.  So I kept pretending to give him a hug goodnight, but really I would surprise tickle him.  Jackson is not so ticklish.  I mean.  He's a little ticklish.  So I turned out the lights and said goodnight and closed the door only to rush back in and tickle them both again.  Problem was, I started with Noah THEN Jackson.  Well.  That wouldn't do because Jackson was ready for me.  SO.  I left them again and waited outside their door for like three minutes and THEN barged in again.  I scared Jackson so bad and tickled him so good.  Yup.  I won.  We were laughing so hard.  And in that moment, ...well, in my whole evening spent with them, I felt so lucky to have these two boys in my life.  My boyfriends.  They are getting old enough where it's FUN to hang out with them and talk with them and watch movies with them and play board games with them.  I want to spend time with them and it's a really nice feeling.  I am still their Mom, but I am also kind of a friend to them I guess.  Maybe more of a girlfriend because Noah will hold my hand.

The girls.  Zoe and Jane are my girls.  They are the ones I get to see the most out of my day.  They need me the most.  They love me the most.  And we go everywhere together.  Kind of because we have to.  How many Costco pictures do I have of these girls sitting with me having lunch?  I love our lunch dates.  I love the four-year-old conversation I get to have with Zoe who just keeps getting cuter and funnier with age.  Any time she can slide in the word "poop" or "fart," she will.  And I inwardly laugh because I have the maturity of a child.  Let's be real, I outwardly laugh.

And then there's Ellie.  The middle child.  She's at school all day with the boys so things like Costco dates are not very plentiful these days.  And then she's in bed at the same time as Jane and Zoe so we don't get to stay up and party together.  Where does she fit in?  On weekends?  Haha!  I laugh, but it's kind of true.  This past weekend she was so adorable with Jane and Zoe.  I love having these rare but glorious moments where everyone is happy and laughing.  And it all involves Jane crawling on faces and head-butting everyone.  This post has made me realize I need to take more time out for Ellie.  She doesn't demand as much of my time, and the time she does demand is often whiney.  I think that could be changed with a little extra love and attention.  Noted.  I've got loads of that.  Haha!

Jackson. My Wise Old Man.

I met with Jackson's teacher and specialist today about his test results for being gifted.  He took a series of various tests over the course of about three days.  To be gifted you have to score in the 98th percentile.  I know Jackson is bright, but I didn't realize how bright, nor in what areas.  It was incredible having the specialist go through his exams with me and go over his lowest test scores (which most were still well above average) and his highest test scores (as high as 97%).  If his highest test scores were 97% then you guessed it.  Jackson is not technically "gifted."  He is just SUPER bright.

Jackson was tested in three areas: Reading, Writing and Math.  His greatest strengths are:

Spelling (97th percentile). Spelling measures a student's ability to spell orally presented words correctly.  Jackson was able to spell some very challenging words, such as acquaintance, anonymous, and exquisite.  He made almost no mistakes until close to the end of the subtest, when he was asked to spell zephyr, dilemma, exacerbate and questionnaire.

Word attack (97th percentile).  Word attack measures skill in applying phonic and structural analysis skills to the pronunciation of unfamiliar printed words.  Jackson was able to read non-words such as ligtite, knoink and redigitation.  The only three words that Jackson was unable to read smoothly were subdirement, botrationary and mefgest.

Oral reading (89th percentile).  This is a measure of story reading accuracy and prosody (the pattern of stress and intonation in language).  The student reads aloud sentences that gradually increase in difficulty.  Jackson's errors included 1 transposition ("give it" was read as "it give"---which did not change the meaning of the sentence) and 6 mis-pronunciations (on words such as crustaceans, transoceanic, cetaceans, ungulate).

There were certain tests that were timed and of these tests Jackson did the poorest on.  He just spent too much time on the answer, double checking it and making sure it was neatly written out.  Unfortunately, although he may have gotten the ones he did finish correct, this brought his percentile down in such areas as math fluency and reading comprehension (only because they were looking for crazy specifics like the first and last name of the man... his name was SPANISH for crying out loud!  And other weird details like the specific colour of an object, etc.  He understood the basic gist, just didn't recall specifics).

The specialist was quick to point out how amazing Jackson's ability to be descriptive and articulate when forming a sentence to describe a picture.  For example, he was given a picture of a seal with a ball on its nose.  Where many would say, "the seal has a ball on its nose," Jackson used more imaginative language such as, "The seal showed off his ability by balancing a ball on his nose for a cheering crowd."  His teacher also praised him on much of his written work.  He is obviously advance in that area.  His math abilities are that of a seventh grader.  His vocabulary and reading abilities are that of an eighth grader.  He is in grade four.  To say I am proud is an extreme understatement.  The specialist also said that Jackson was a joy to test and that he was extremely inquisitive.  If he didn't know how to get to a certain answer after he was finished a certain section (in Math), Jackson would ask him how to do it.  This boy loves learning.


Here are his results in all areas tested.  I didn't write every single detail that his specialist wrote as I will keep those notes in his files, but thought I would at least show how well he did in all areas.  That's a lot of testing.

Reading:
1. Letter-Word Identification (61st percentile).  The reading of complex words he has likely never seen before.
2.Passage comprehension (34th percentile).  Fill in the blank in a sentence for it to make sense.  (He was given two sentences and he had trouble figuring out the most appropriate word for both).
3.Word Attack (97th percentile).  The reading of non-words aloud.
4. Oral Reading (89th percentile). Story reading with intonation in language and pattern of stress.
5. Sentence Reading Fluency (60th percentile).  Reading true or false statements quickly.  This test was timed and Jackson did not finish.  Most of the ones he finished were correct.
6. Reading Recall (55th percentile). Reading comprehension and meaningful memory.  Recalling details.
7. Word Reading Fluency (70th percentile).  Matching two out of four words that are connected.  This was also timed and Jackson did not finish.

Math:
1. Applied problems (71st percentile).  Listen to the math problem and recognize the procedure to be followed.  Jackson struggled mostly with problems related to measurement (time and money) and percentages (ratios), likely because he has not learned this in school yet.  This was also timed and unfinished.
2. Calculation (58th percentile). Math achievement measuring the ability to perform mathematical computations  of varying degrees of difficulty (adding and subtracting fractions, negative numbers, percentages---all of which he has not directly learned in school yet but showed an effort in figuring out).
3. Math Facts Fluency (32nd percentile).  Simple addition and subtraction questions in 3 minutes.  He answered 52.  (That is amazing in my books).  He just took too much time with each answer (double checking and neat writing) instead of moving quickly.
4. Number Matrices (84th percentile).  A measure of quantitive reasoning, requiring both quantitive knowledge and skills in solving novel problems.  A matrix (math array---a box with four squares showing three numbers and one blank square) is presented and the student must identify the missing number.  (The specialist was especially impressed with this one because most students have trouble understanding this concept as it has not yet been taught in school at this age).

Written Language:
1. Spelling (97th percentile).  Spell orally presented words correctly.
2. Writing Samples (82nd percentile).  Measures ability to write sentences about specific pictures and evaluated for their quality of expression.
3. Sentence Writing Fluency (62nd percentile).  The skill in formulating a writing simple sentences quickly.  Unfortunately, this was also timed which brought his percentile down.  He spent too much time writing neatly and thinking of interesting sentences rather than writing fast and getting it done.


As we can see, because of his timed tests that were incomplete, it sadly lowered his overall percentage, which is in the 72nd percentile.  This is still amazing and makes me so proud.  Because this is just a blink in his learning, these three days of testing can only tell us so much.  What we DO know from his tests is that he is an achiever with an inquisitive mind that thirsts for knowledge.  Not just earthly knowledge, but eternal knowledge.  Jackson often makes comments about how the stars are overwhelming;  Discussion of what happens after we die is also overwhelming but intriguing to him.  Even during General Conference last weekend, we only require the kids to watch the Sunday Morning session with us.  I felt prompted to invite Jackson to watch the afternoon sessions with us and told him he really didn't have to but he was welcome to.  His response was, "Let me get my pen and notepad."

Jackson continues to be a wise old man in a little kid's body.  I am amazed every day as I see this boy progress and grow.  We are lucky that he is our first and that he can pave the way and set an example for his siblings.  He sets a daily example for me.  I occasionally feel like he is the adult in our relationship, particularly when he chastises me for drinking Diet Coke.  Haha!  I love this boy.  He makes me think.  He makes me talk deep.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me proud.  He makes me a better Mom.

Feather Pen Update

A year ago on April 17th, I wrote about how I submitted my play "Feather Pen Fairy Tales" in a contest.  I didn't win.  But I paid extra to receive some notes from a dramaturg.  There weren't a lot, but enough to know that the story could be better, the stakes could be higher, the conflict could be greater and the characters could grow even more.  Since that time I have been editing.  I am on my fifth or sixth draft.  I have been meeting with a mentor (Caroline Russell-King) since February because I applied for a mentorship and my application got accepted.  Pretty sure I've already mentioned that in a previous post.  This application still costs me a lot of money, so it's not like I "won" anything.  It's probably that they saw I needed a mentor badly because my script could use some help!  Haha!  I have met with her a couple times already (we get six months together).  I have received great insight into structure and feel like I am taking a class each time we visit, which is great.  I always walk away with new knowledge and homework.  The thing is I have already written the script.  Many times.  So, I am at a point now where I feel really frustrated because it's just a lot of changing and trying to MAKE things work, rather than a spontaneous story having already known the rules.  What I probably need to do is take all of her rules and start fresh with a new story, rather than try to fix something that isn't written in a proper format.  It has been a lot of work.  Each time I change something about a character's growth or major plot point, I have to toss parts of the story.  Parts that I love.  Parts that I think are great and funny.  It hurts my heart a little.  I have had to do this before, many times, but it's never easy.  You do it in the hopes that your newer idea is better.  I have also been "living" in this story for so long that I don't know if it's any good any more.  Which is the better draft?  The sillier version from last year?  Or the version that I am currently writing that makes the plot a little more interesting and conducive to the title?  This play is a story within a story and boy it hurts my head and I am breaking all sorts of rules doing this.  Who is the protagonist?  The one writing the fairy tale or the one IN it?  When all is said and done are you still rooting for the writer, who is meant to be the protagonist?  Or do you care more about what happens in the fairy tale?  How can I make these stories intertwine a little so that we care about his story a little more?  Ugh.  It hurts my head.  And each time I change one thing, I need to fix or add something else to make it make sense.  I think it makes sense now.  I mean.  I feel very close.  But I laughed as I read my post from last year about this story and my plans to put it on stage.  Yes.  I would still love to see it on stage.  But days like these make it feel very far away.

Plus I need money.

My Birthday Happened. Promise.

Joe is such a sweetheart.  He is very good at gift-giving.  And by gift-giving, I mean splurging on me.  When it is his birthday he tells me I'm not allowed to spend money.  And then my birthday rolls around and he makes me feel real awesome for not spending a cent on him.  Ha!  This year he told me right before my birthday that he got his Mom to watch the kids for a couple nights so we could go into Calgary and watch a Musical Theatre show and stay at a hotel, etc.  He was totally thinking of me and what I would like to do.  And then I thought, sheesh.  If we have your Mom and if you were planning on spending that kind of money, let's go somewhere and do something that we couldn't otherwise do with kids.  I was being spontaneous and courageous!  We were going to go to Banff and go snowboarding.  I have been snowboarding twice in my life (and it was after I married Joe).  And it happened before we had kids.  So.  It's been five kids later (ten years) since I have been snowboarding.  I think we may have gone to Lake Louis when Jackson was a baby, but I stayed on the bunny hill the whole time.  Sunshine?  Sunshine doesn't have a bunny hill!  Well.  They do.  It's a slant about ten meters long.  SO.  You get to go from THAT to the chair lift.  What got into me to WANT to do this?   Well.  Here was my thought process:  I know we are out of shape and are going to be sore, but we only live once and our bodies are still capable and able.  Let's do something active that our bodies can still handle!  Those are the thoughts that got me on that hill.  And I went for it!  Joe was amazing and was with me the whole time, because yes, I freaked out a few times.  More than a few times.  Some out of being straight up scared, and some out of frustration.  And at the end of the day it was out of the inability to get up anymore.  I fell down so much, but I did pretty good.  The morning was awesome because it was clear but it got really windy in the afternoon and the visibility was TERRIBLE!  That was half my frustration.  "Am I going off a cliff right now?  I can't tell."  Anywho.  Our "able-bodies" had the endurance of four lifts (post bunny hills try-outs).  Oh man.  I was toast.  We both walked away from that with a feeling of "boy, I am out of shape" and "boy, that was fun and spontaneous of us."  And since that trip I have worked out almost every day to get my butt back into gear.  

Snowboarding was our second and final day though.  Our first day was spent exploring a little bit.  We did some driving around while listening to an audiobook.  We "hiked" Johnson something er other.  When I went there in the Summer it was jam-packed!  Winter hiking?  Very quiet.  Also, we saw a cougar on the way there, ...so that might be another reason it was quiet.  But that cougar made for a nice romantic walk, hand in hand.  We joked and flirted and talked.  And then we ate yummy food in town.  It was a Southern Place and still wearing our spontaneous socks, we ordered "alligator bites."  They tasted like really tough calamari.  Not that great, but my duck sandwich was amazing.  And now I am hungry.  Also because Joe and I started counting calories, so basically I am hungry all the time because I can't eat a hundred M&M's like I want to every day.

After snowboarding, we hit up the Hot Springs.  It was much needed before our drive home.  Our trip felt way too short.  It was so nice for it to be just us.  I love flirting and having no responsibilities and having a reason to look cute.  Joe still travels Tuesday-Friday almost every week.  It stinks.  This week he also works Saturday.  Haha!  So to have this get-away was amazing.  Thank you Colette for watching those kids (the girls cried on her lap before she left and the boys went on and on about how Granny makes them big breakfasts and I should too---I am barely awake when they leave for school in the morning).  And thank you Joe for organizing this super-fun getaway and for making me feel special on my birthday!  I have entered my first step into my "late" thirties.  Probably why the rush of "I'm still young!  See?!"  

I love you Babe.

We were driving around to find somewhere to eat and saw this thing, so obviously I made Joe pull over so we could snag a picture.  I think we took about thirty before we captured this one.

We bought ugly Banff socks.  It's tradition.  Mine are uglier.

First time on a gondola for me.  I was scared/excited?  We kept going higher and higher!!!!  Ack!

On the hill after lunch.  Before I realized how sore I was going to become.