Babies. Babies. Babies. Babies.

I know what you're thinking.  And you're probably right.  But let me start with this.  A while back, some time last year, I started compiling a few random pictures of the kids right after they were born just to see how similar or different they looked. And then those pictures just sat on my computer untouched and I've just barely stumbled upon them again today. Which is funny, but not, because lately I have been feeling the excitement... wait no.  That's the wrong word.  The joy?  ...of having a new little baby. Don't laugh at me!  I haven't totally forgotten how hard it all is.  And the timing is all wrong right now, but I will be happy to hold another little one in a couple of years or so. Maybe. We'll see if Zoe decides to stay cute for a while or turn into a monster. I think it has all been stemming from looking at my friend Alysha Sladek's photography of a couple of different tub-births at home and it just brought back all the memories of being in labour... definitely not at home in my bath-tub, but just the holding of the baby after all that labouring and pushing. And it's such a beautiful feeling. Inside my heart.  Not anywhere else.  So I went back to look at Zoe's birth pictures in the hospital and there were a few videos, so I decided to watch the one right after I pushed her out and they let me hold her. I remember it all! And then I quickly thought, I can wait a little while to do that again.  Ha!  Anywho, so here are the pics of my babies. Starting with Zoe.

Zoe in the hospital just a few hours old.


Zoe at 4 days old.

Ellie at the hospital just a few hours old.


Ellie at 3 days.

Ellie around a few weeks in her blessing dress and loving it.
Ellie at 3 weeks.

Noah, one day old.


Noah at six days.

Noah at a week on his blessing day.  Hates his blessing outfit too I guess.  I absolutely love this pic of him though!

Jackson on Christmas Eve at five days. First captured smile.

Jackson on his blessing day around 8 weeks old, post outfit.  That's why he's happy.

Jackson the Oiler's fan at around two months.  Stretch!

The all certainly have a look.  And they're all pretty darn cute!  Looking through some of these old pictures is making me realize just how quickly time is flying. It makes me glad I keep a journal because I don't remember much. I don't remember what kind of a Mom I was to the boys when they were toddlers.  And I have very vague memories of holding these babies in a rocking chair and just loving them to bits.  It makes me so grateful that Zoe hasn't grown out of snuggling me just yet.  She may not be a wee babe anymore, but I will take all the snuggles I can get.  And they don't have to be from a baby neither.  Today at dinner time, which is 90% a stressful time, after having sent Ellie into time-out twice (which hasn't happened lately, but it just so happened to be one of those days), Noah got out of his chair and gave me a hug and a kiss just knowing that I needed it.  Tender moments are the best. I can't believe that baby is five, Ellie will be four in just a few months (meaning that the sign on the boy's door might have to change because then that will mean she's allowed in) and that Jackson is almost seven going on seventeen.  Jackson will need a post all for himself.  For now, I will say I love me my babies.  I just held one today and got to give her back when she was poopy and then hold her again when she was content and happy.  It was kind of nice.  I can wait.  A little.

New Days and Fresh Starts

It's kind of been a rough week.  I find that every so often I want to walk out my front door and keep walking.  Am I alone in this?  Am I alone in feeling frustrated with the monotony of motherhood?  The endlessness of all the chores and after all the cleaning and laundry-folding and dinner-making and dishes and sweeping somehow my house looks worse with every passing day?  The level at which I want to be at but am so far away from?  Feeling overwhelmed because I can't do everything right now and perfectly?  And if I'm being honest with myself, sometimes I want to do what I want to do.  I have selfish thoughts.  I want to go shopping for myself by myself.  I need a new bra and winter coat and I don't want to take any kids along.  I want to go to a secluded cabin in the woods with no murderers or scary people and especially no kids for two whole weeks to be creative and finish my musical.  Is that too much to ask?  Yeah.  I've been feeling all this.  A lot.  And to top it off with Joe at school, I turn into a single Mother a few nights of the week.  Not as bad as last year's schedule, but it's rough to say the least and it gets old.  The kids act out more.  They are more defiant, like they know that something is missing and being crazy is the only way to let me know how they feel.  And my patience just runs out.  Not even thin.  GONE!  I start by asking them to do something nicely, in a warm-Mommy tone.  And then again.  And then this time they really aren't listening and I have to give a warning and start counting.  And then I have to be mean-Mommy.  And I hate it.  My Mom taught me to never use the word hate, but I really do HATE being the mean-Mom.  It's been happening all too often and I'm not quite sure how to handle it.  I have to be mean-Mommy so often that I think I'm becoming her.  So Joe and I had a discussion about me wanting to walk out the door and keep going.  And by "discussion" I mean I talked the whole time while he patiently listened.  It's not a shock to him any more because I go through these ruts often enough.  But I don't like that about myself.  Why can't I have it all together?  Right now?  Anywho, it wasn't the warmest of discussions, because honestly at this point I felt a whole lot of numb.  I didn't want to cry.  So I shut off.  Well, Joe is kind of the best and after listening to me complain like a crazy, he asked if I wanted a blessing.  What?  No.  That's for people who really need it.  But then I thought, it's not like there's a shortage of blessings and if I use up one, someone else isn't going to get one.  So after a little bit of humbling myself, I asked for one.  And I feel like as soon as he started speaking I was able to feel again.  And I cried.  I hate crying, but I think I needed to.  And THEN he went on to serve me the rest of the week.  You want to get some extra sleep?  Yes I will get up with the kids and take them to school for you so you can function today even though it means being late for a meeting.  The tire needs to be changed so you can take the kids to their Halloween party tonight and leave me to study all night and put Zoe down to bed so you don't have to take her because it will be past her bed time and she'll just be super grumpy?  No prob!  ---SIGH---  God doesn't want us to be unhappy on this earth.  He wants us to love our lives and that means turning to Him.  And that is exactly what I got out of that experience.  I needed to focus more on the Saviour and ponder more on Him and His attributes.  I needed to take more time to meditate.  Have my own time (ha!) to not be on my phone or cleaning something.  Just sitting and thinking.  I'm a multi-tasker, so this is hard for me to do, so often it happens in bed right before I go to sleep, but I'm doing it.  I am PLEADING every morning for help throughout my day to not just get through it, but enjoy the journey, and I have felt that added help in my life since that blessing and since I have been praying more earnestly.  I also review my day at the end of each day and see where I went wrong and what I need to change/do better next time.  I have felt such a lift in my life.  I'm not sure how else to describe it.  I can do this.  I guess that's how I'm feeling.  It's not like any of my burdens are taken away, but rather I can handle them better.  I'm acting on Spiritual promptings rather than thinking about it and justifying acting on it later, and then it either doesn't happen or I am doing something last minute or not in the right heart.  On another note, I find it interesting that I was feeling such a low right after a beautiful General Conference where there were many encouraging talks about Motherhood and womanhood and looking to the Saviour for help and guidance, etc.  It was totally uplifting!  It made me think how sneaky Satan is.  Trying to get to me.  Sneaking on in and making me feel the way I did about myself and family situation.  He's all about breaking up families and creating family drama that is totally unnecessary.  So, ...I'm done with him.  I can be happy.  It's a choice.  And I can rely on the Lord where I lack.  And I lack in many things a lot.  But, suffice it to say, I am grateful for new days and fresh starts.

My Favourite Child

Okay. So I know that I take/post a lot of pictures of Zoe. She's my baby. She's at an adorable stage. And in my defense, I was looking back at some older pictures from a few years ago and there were TONNES of Ellie at this stage. So, ...am I clear to love my baby the way I do? She's my baby. Who knows how long I have before she turns into a crazy? Let me love her.  Anywho, I am lucky to have Jenny in my life because she is the one who bought this ridiculously delicious bonnet and has the studio set-up. I just brought along a naked baby.  And she captured my daughter.

I can't decide between black and white or colour, so I posted both of them.  She might have green eyes like her sister.

Aaaaaaand she's done.

Zoe right now you are a walking, nay, a running curly-haired rascal with a very cute and distinct personality that knows how to make people laugh.  These are all basically Daddy's words.  He says you two are rascal-soul mates together and he loves making faces with you.  Basically, you have him wrapped around your finger.  Who am I kidding?  You have everyone wrapped around your finger.  But not like a diva-baby.  You don't demand attention.  You're just naturally cute in a rascally way.  In fact, you kind of become the center or attention wherever you go naturally.  For example, when I pick up the kids from school, we like to stay and play at the park afterwards and all the 9 and 10 year old girls flock to you and hold your hand and take you around the park.  And I'm not talking about 5 or 10 minutes.  Like the whole time.  You are completely taken care of.  (Ellie is also in the same boat with her own flock of older girls that are wrapped around her finger.  It's funny watching a 9 year old girl hold a 3.5 year old on her hip.  Still a Diva).  And I'm not gonna lie, your curls set you apart and that is what everyone notices first.  I kid you not, every time I leave the house with you, we get a comment about your curls (kind of like when I leave the house with all four kids, guaranteed comments... just not always positive).  But now that those locks are getting longer, I have to figure out how to manage your post-nap curls.  But I'll take it.  I was looking at pictures of Ellie at this age and her hair was pretty much straight except for the ends which had a subtle curl (in fact, I had her hair in piggies at this stage which I loved.  Don't get me wrong.  I thought Ellie was a gorgeous baby, she just had different features that set her apart.  I'm not comparing one more beautiful than the next.  You are both beautiful to me.  Just thought I would set that straight before we move on here).  It makes me wonder what Alberta will do to your hair when we move back.  Are you another breed with separate hair-genes than your siblings (and parents)?  Or is this totally weather-related?  I guess we shall find out soon enough.  Six months people!  You are still a cuddler.  In fact, sometimes in those park situations you will see me among your besties and smile and walk right up to me and hug my leg.  or even let me hold you while you snuggle into me.  What?  But it doesn't end there.  You also love to do the leg thing in the kitchen while I am trying to make dinner.  Or just plain walk.  It's pretty cute.  But I'm surprised I haven't tripped over you yet.  Also, before bed when you're resigned to the fact that we're doing our bed time routine, you will snuggle into me while I sing you songs.  Your favourite with Daddy is "Rock-a-bye" and your fav with me is, "I Am a Child of God" and "Eensy Weensy Spider."  And then we "fold our arms" (which lasts for a second) and say prayers, which is basically me saying a prayer aloud while peeking at you and seeing you watch my mouth with a wide smile until you can shout "Ah-mah!" at the end.  Lately though, you've been helping me by saying the last word of the prayer, "thankful for this...  say day"  "day!" etc.  It's pretty darn cute.  Your siblings love you and you love them.  The boys are a given.  You get beyond excited when the boys come at you and try to make you laugh.  But Ellie has finally become your friend.  She shares with you.  And even today you kept walking up to her chair as she was finishing her lunch and she kept freely giving you pieces of her sandwich, ...which now come to think of it probably benefited her more than you.  Haha!  Clever child.  But really, she has become better friends with you.  She watches out for you and makes sure you don't get too close to the stairs leading downstairs (because they are kind of deadly---although on a news-front, you can finally turn around to go down the stairs by yourself.  Weeeeee!  Doesn't mean the basement stairs aren't still scary though...) and she makes sure you're not getting into any real trouble, like unrolling the toilet paper roll, which you LOVE to do, or getting into the wrong cupboards, etc.  But not to worry, Ellie most certainly lets me know.  She will even share her ponies with you and in the bath tub she likes to find a toy for you to play with.  Although lately, you've been pooping in the tub, which is gross, ...but a blessing in disguise because it forces me to scrub the tub more often.  Anywho, back to you and Ellie and our family life.  It is a nice place to be right now.  You are very busy.  This stage is the best and the worst for that.  Pooping in the tub before church.  Worst.  Snuggling with Mommy randomly at the park.  Best.  Purposely dropping all your spaghetti on the floor because you declare to be "done."  Worst.  Hearing you jibber-jabber like we're having a for-real back and forth conversation.  Best.  Not napping when I want you to and then you're a grumpy pants.  Worst.  Making me smile every day because I get to look at you.  Best.    

Family Stress... Uh... Pictures.

So last weekend when we went to visit Jenny and her family, I finagled her into taking my family pictures. I think she may have even offered, which I am sure now she is regretting. Whenever it's time to get my own family pictures done, I get stressed. Like, losing sleep over the right outfit choices, and is it going to rain all weekend and if it does are we still going to try to fit in our family photo shoot somewhere, and when will that happen and what if Joe and I get into an argument that morning and then we have to pretend to like each other during the next hour (trust me, it's happened) or what if Zoe is super cranky and doesn't fit in the nap that she was supposed to before the shoot and doesn't "perform" for the camera or what if I forget to pack everyone's outfits or everyone's having a bad hair day, etc, etc, the list goes on.  Well, all my stressing paid off, because I didn't forget anything, I was super nice to Joe that morning so we didn't fight (actually, did we even see each other that morning?), Zoe slept well, it was beautiful outside and the outfits and hair came together nicely. Once we were in the car pulling up to our gorgeous location I thought nothing could possibly go wrong from here on out.  We were set.  We walked through an abandoned golf course to this lovely pond with colourful trees and Jenny started snapping these pictures of Noah trying to catch a candid moment when all the sudden I see a little munchkin waddling only a few feet away from Noah TOWARDS the pond.  "No!  No!  NO!  NO!  NO!!!!!!!!"

I was running, I kid you not, in slow motion. I could not get there fast enough. And just as Zoe was bending over to see her cute little reflection in the pond she did exactly what you're all thinking. She fell right on in. Head first. Legs and bum in the air. A millisecond later I was right there, one foot up to my knee in pond water, grabbing her out by the leg (later on that day, Ellie asked if Zoe got bath-tized). She didn't like that.  And neither did I.  There went her perfectly crafted curls.  Her dry clothes.  Our family photo shoot.

Before:

After:

My heart fell.  After I knew she was okay, I kind of laughed at myself.  Here I was stressing to the max about how I needed to make sure that everyone looked perfect for our one-time-chance to get in a good family photo shoot this year (for free, because thems are the perks of having a sister that's a photographer).  Well, I heaved a sigh thinking, it's over.  Let's all pack up now!  But the thought of getting everyone back to Jenny's, putting Zoe down for a nap while her clothes dried, making sure the other kids didn't get their outfits dirty or, worse yet, I would have to change them out of their outfits and right back into them again so we could go back out and do this whole sha-bang later that afternoon---that---THAT was enough to make me want to stay and stick it out.  And the fact that Jenny (who was probably more undone about Zoe's incident than I was) started to snap a few more pictures of the other kids (probably so she could let Joe and I have our privacy while we screamed to the sky in frustration.  Which is kind of what I wanted to do.  I'm dramatic that way).  Joe and I looked at each other at that moment and it was like we knew exactly what the other was thinking.  We're not going anywhere.  We counted our lucky stars that it was over 20 degrees and sunny out (which was not Jenny's lucky I-wish-I-could-have-overcast-skies-to-shoot-in-the-fields stars---our stars are luckier I guess) so we could undress that little rascal and let her run around in just her squishy shoes and diaper---because walking ten minutes back to the car for a fresh diaper was just not going to happen in that moment.  We wrung out her clothes and laid them out to dry hoping upon hope that they'd be dry enough by the time Jenny was ready for our group shots.  Sigh.  A lot of drama with this girl I tell you.  But we took advantage of the situation and Jenny snapped some naked-baby pics.

Here are some of the amazing shots that Jenny captured whilest Zoe, her clothes and one side of my jeans and boot were drying off.  I now have to decide which ones I want on my wall and I really can't decide!  There are too many.  Heck, it was even hard to decide which ones to put up here on my blog for pete-sakes!  I will say I am in LOVE with the laughing/hugging-brother shot.  SO CUTE!

And after all that, Zoe was finally dry and ready for her own shots as well as our family group shots. Well, damp-ish. But dry enough. My boot, however, was not so much. So I got to dip my other light brown leather boot into the pond so it would match my other now-dark-brown boot. Fun times. But it all came together didn't it?  All that stressing over nothing, right?  Haha!  I wonder what will happen the next time we attempt our family pictures.  Ack!  Besides, these crazy curls represent her personality way better than those tamed curled I attempted.
 
I am so happy that these all came together the way they did. Love the wagon pic AND the siblings shot where Zoe is somehow sitting and smiling.  What??!!  Everything about this shoot just screams "these are my kids and their personalities." Well captured Jenny! I absolutely love them!  The lesson learned here is never do a photoshoot by any body of water with a one year old.  Unless you want perfect pictures.
 

My Musical. Period.

So many emotions.  Here I sit with a can of A&W Diet Rootbeer (wishing it was Diet Coke) and some pre-Halloween chocolate that I told myself I was not going to get into.  My period made me do it!  I am on the SECOND week.  It came a week early and stayed like a much uninvited visitor!  So, I deserve me my treats!  (Just popped a peanut m&m into my mouth to show my period who's boss).  So today I received an answer to an email I sent a theatre person last week.  She is in the process of putting on her own original work and I couldn't help but ask a tonne of questions to which she very kindly responded.  One of my next steps, she said, was to do a reading of my script with a room full of trusted people whose opinion I respect and who will tell me the truth.  I need to know where my script is weak and what is working for me before I can really go forward.  So after I got her email I was going through a list of people in my head, ...and they were all from Edmonton.  And I am all the way out in boonie-land across the country from them.  Okay not boonie-land, but just far away.  And I'm in a frustrating place, because I want to move forward, but I can't think of enough people on one hand that I would want to share this with here.  So Joe and I got to talking and he, like a businessman, said I need to network.  You know.  Out of my own circle of friends.  Call up a theatre school asking if they'd be interested in dissecting my script.  Gain relationships that way.  Go on a musical theatre forum to ask questions, etc.  Well, that about freaked me out.  I don't even call up my own friends.  I literally thought I was going to throw up because the pit in my stomach was so heavy (or was that period-related?).  Joe lives and breathes on his phone.  I do not.  That is why he's in business and I am not.  I never liked networking or schmoozing during my "pop-star" career and sadly it's left a bad taste in my mouth.  But I need to.  So, I thought I would start with the forum thing first.  It's online and I don't have to come up with words on the spot.  Way too nerve racking (didn't I do interviews for a living on live TV?  What is my deal?)  So I googled it and came across a decent looking one that I think might be helpful, but my first thoughts when I went creeping through was, I don't know what the heck I'm doing.  I've been working on this musical for a year and a half and have no clue.  All of these feelings of inadequacy crept in.  Here are hundreds of people all doing the same thing I am trying to do, except they know what they are doing.  And this is just on ONE forum.  I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before, but how can I make my mark in the world of musical theatre if I don't have a stinking clue!  Boo hoo, right?  Well, don't worry.  That didn't last too long (only a few hours), and then I kept seeing things like the word, "partner" and "need a composer," etc, and it got me really excited because all of this time I have known that I could not do this alone, and seeing that other people also do not do this alone and need the help of others was a comfort and reassurance to me that we were all on here because we all needed help in one form or another.  I've already learned a lot just through browsing through other people's comments and have a new-found excitement again.  I think my excitement is more about the potential I have to continue on in this as a career.  This will not be the last musical I write.  NAY!

And now back to my period.  My period is kind of freaked out of the people I will meet on these forums.  How do I know you're not a super creeper?  How do I know you're not going to scam me?  How do I know that we will mesh well together?  How will we do this while living in different countries?  Yes.  My period thinks of these things.  Fine.  I do.  I'll stop blaming my visitor.  But I will blame my visitor for making me miss my friends.  I know exactly who I would invite into my readers circle.  And then we would all laugh and eat ice cream and rainbows on pillows of clouds while wearing sweatpants made of the softest cashmere.  Seriously.  I miss my friends.  I know I am only six or so months away from moving back home but I am already longing for it in a bad way.  I wish we could go home for Christmas for a whole month.  This is where having four kids is kind of a bummer because flights are dumb for a family my size.  But I will stop being a Debbie downer (after my period is over by the end of the week.  Boo).  And since I am not allowing myself to complain any more, I will sign out.  My next post will be my family pics that Jenny was awesome enough to take for me!  I have a talented sister.  Wait.  That was way too positive for the mood I'm in.

Canadian Thanksgiving in the States

I clearly did not take enough pictures. I know I am posting a lot, but I didn't get one with just me and Jenny. What??!! And I didn't capture our turkey dinner either. I know! Who am I?!! I am losing my touch. But I did capture a couple fun moments, starting with our first stop in Kirtland with the fam. We went straight there before heading to Jenny and Brett's. After a solid five and a half hour drive we were ready to be done. The kids were so good though (minus Zoe's goat-screams for the last half of the duration).  When we got there, the tour guide told us that Elder Ballard was coming within the next hour because he would be speaking at Stake Conference that weekend, which Jenny told me about but I didn't realize we could bump into him at any moment!  He also told us that we had missed the last tour of that day, but he let us walk around anyway.  I really wanted to stick around and bump into an apostle because that would be kind of amazing!  Little did I know that the next day they were having a pancake breakfast and he would be there to shake everyone's hands!  Missed that one.  But we DID get to enjoy the church historical sites of Kirtland.  Mostly we just walked around the grounds and read the different plaques.  We managed to catch up to the tour ahead of us and got to see a couple of places, one of them being the lumber-something-er-other and the ashery which the kids seemed to enjoy.  Here are a few random shots.
On Saturday morning Jenny took our family pictures (which I am going to make a completely separate post of), and after lunch and naps and such we headed to this super cute pumpkin patch/apple orchard complete with a park and a beautiful walking trail.  The kids had a great time playing together, and I managed to whip out my camera.  Here are a few shots of that afternoon.  Although, I am sure you will quickly find out who gets the most camera time.  In my defense, I was watching Zoe most of the time while Joe had the other three.  And besides, how can I not photograph this little girl?  She is my treasure.  My rascally treasure.  I've got some great cousin shots with Abbott too (and ONE mildly tender sister-moment which rarely happens).  Enjoy the pics.
Sunday was cool because we got to hear an apostle of the Lord speak to us and actually be in the same room as him. Very cool!  And Elder Ballard was pretty funny too.  I guess usually people are able to shake his hand afterwards, but he and his wife had to catch a flight so he had us all stand up, stretch out our hands and shake the air while he did the same so we could say that we shook the hand of an apostle.  He spoke mostly about going to the church sites to increase your testimony of the Prophet, Joseph Smith, and feel that feeling you get just being on those historical grounds.  There was also a really great talk about temple attendance and how it can increase your faith, etc.  Probably stood out to me because I need to go more.  I really do love the temple and I am loving the new video.  Anywho, back to Elder Ballard.  I wish my kids were old enough to appreciate that experience, but I am pretty sure all they were appreciating were their ipad/iphone-church games. Joe and I tried to explain to them how special it was to be able to experience being in the presence of an apostle, but I'm pretty sure it went over their heads. Which is one of the reasons we will not do a Disney trip until they are old enough to appreciate it! And because we're broke.

We also did a drive by of the temple which I was hoping would be more of a special moment, but after two hours of Stake Conference the kids were kind of done.  We didn't even capture a picture.  For shame!

And then of course we got to experience food.  Real food.  Joe and I have been dieting over the past couple weeks.  Me.  Dieting.  I know.  I don't do that.  I work out and I eat what I want.  That's what I do.  But those last ten pounds are hanging on like no body's business, so Joe talked me into going on this diet with him.  But mostly I did it because he was making all the dinners and I enjoyed the break of not having to make anything.  It's been a lot of healthy soups and salads (a very vegetarian diet) with edemame beans as my evening treat, taking the place of sugar.  So you can guess my tummy's surprise when turkey dinner and pie happened.  It was so good.  The only sad thing about having turkey dinner at someone else's house is that you don't get to eat the left overs all week.  No turkey sandwiches for us.  Sad.  

And what is a trip with Jenny without "Elf-Sarah?"  Yeah.  She was there... with a special guest.  Honestly, now that I am back home and unpacked, I feel like I need to do that again.  Just without kids or a husband and the real Sarah.  I have a feeling that reunion won't happen until I move back to Alberta.  But Spring isn't THAT far away, right?  And now I am thinking of all of my Albertan friends and I cannot wait to get together for girls nights and laugh my head off!!  I am now missing everyone.  My period thanks the chocolate that is helping me get through my emotions right now.  The end.