Christmas Jane

Jane.  Your favourite song request these days is "Hwinkle, Hwinkle Hie!"  Which translated is "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star."  You also often request "Pidow!"  Which is "Eensy Weensy Spider."  Both always before bed.  Otherwise I hear all about it!  You also like to climb.  No.  That's an understatement.  You like to drag our kitchen chairs to whatever frightening limb you can get yourself on and carelessly bounce around.  Just last week Noah discovered you on the kitchen counter with all our sharp butcher knives out, two in your tiny little hands.  If you wanted to make dinner, you should have just said so.  You.  You are a busy one, that's for sure!  But through all your busyness, you are adorable and sweet.  You dole out kisses and hugs.  You jabber to yourself while you play.  Yesterday, it was lots of "Hi Jane.  Oh hi Jane.  Here go Jane, etc."  And your favourite friend is your blankie that you have lovingly nicknamed, "Chiggy."  

 What is missing from these pictures?  Snow.  I will not complain about it not being here.  Not one bit.  In fact, it has been a glorious time being able to send my kids to school with no complaints.  Just weeks ago we had a nasty dip of minus twenty weather for WEEKS!  So, I will welcome this chinook with open arms!  Thank you mountains.

Today I woke up and looked at my calendar and realized for the first time in a long time there was nothing on it.  Not a single to-do!  It kind of made me feel uneasy as I wondered, what is going to happen when Jane is in school and I have no to-do's?  I will be all alone, wandering my house being useful to no one!  Eating all the chocolate!  Actually, that doesn't sound too bad.  Anywho, so when Jane woke up I decided she was going to be my little human doll that I was going to dress up and have a photo shoot with.  I guess I just can't bring myself to just not have plans.  What is wrong with me? So, I picked out my favourite green dress for her and her beautiful bright red coat that was given to us (she gets almost as many comments on it as Zoe did on her curly hair at this age).  She is the picture of the perfect cute little Christmas girl.  But I know better.

Those eyes!!  I love my other clones, but I would have felt ripped off if I didn't get at least one blondie-blue.  Thanks Joe for finally partaking in our children's genetic make-up.

I put the tree back in front of our house where it belongs and she decided she wanted to pick it up and move it back!  Busy girl.  She knows what she wants, that's for sure.

This is the face that reminds me EVERY day that she is up to no good at all times.

And this is the face that tells me she is done.  Her little cry-lips look like Zoe's.  I wish this shot were clearer, but I had to include it anyway.  She's a cute crier.

With almost all of my Christmas shopping done, I am almost ready to just relax and enjoy Christmas!  Just have to put on our Stake Christmas Musical Program in a few weeks.  Oh boy.  And it was even my idea.  And I even chose the date (Dec 16th).  I am learning things.  One is, don't plan things later in December because people will be all Christmas-ed out and won't want to come to one more thing.  Haha!  I am also learning that I am a stress-case (if I am being honest with myself), so to have this planned later in the season was dumb because I will just be stressed until it's over.  My poor family.  It will be a great program though!  Lots of fun numbers.  The one I am most looking forward to is our Primary kids.  They will be joining another ward in singing, "I'd Sing You a Song" while another ward acts out the Nativity.  I've been teaching them this song in Primary for the past couple Sunday's and included hand bells!  How fun am I?!  It's a very pretty song and the bells just add to the Christmas feel!  The other number I am excited about is our Stake choir, who will be singing one of my songs, "The King is Born."  I just need to remember to have perspective and that things always come together and that I have help.  As of two days ago I learned that I may or may not have a soloist.  It is undetermined at this point.  After hearing me fret over my new situation, my SWEET and amazing husband said he heard that David Archuletta was in town the day before our Stake event doing a concert so he reached out to his agent to see if he would sing the solo at our Stake event.  He would pay for any extra accommodations or flight changes.  HOW SWEET!  I mean, it will never happen (I would die if it did), but I love that he took the time to send his agent links and videos of things I have accomplished in my life to show, "hey, my wife's legit" so YOUR life would be blessed by singing her song!  Haha!  What a sweetheart.  When he told me his plan and that he emailed last week and that he wanted to surprise me if it actually went through, I cried.  That is the kind of man I have in my life.

Anywho, here's to a great Christmas ahead!  A busy one, but one filled with lots of fun and festive things to remind us of our Saviour AND that are just plain fun!  Four school Christmas concerts this year!  That's a new one.  I thought three was pretty intense last year, but I got this.  And hey, I have four little cuties to watch while one little cutie sits on my lap (or runs all over the place), so that's kind of great.  Our Ward Christmas party is this Saturday, then we have Super Saturday which I haven't been able to go to in years, so this will be a treat!  Visiting Santa---hopefully no one will be sick this year.  Last year was rough.  Ellie has two choir concerts that I am really looking forward to.  She is always singing her new songs proudly around the house.  She and I are also singing in our ward choir.  She's all about just Mommy-and-Ellie time, so I thought this would be a nice thing for just the two of us to do together.  We had our first rehearsal last Sunday and she was great!  And I may have volunteered her to sing a solo part for "O Little Town of Bethlehem!"  Basically the only carol she doesn't know.  Whoops!  So, we have a few things to work on at home.  Then after our Stake Christmas event, we plan to watch Sarah and her fam in the live Nativity.  They do such a lovely job with that every year and it's something that I really look forward to as one of our traditions now that we live here.  It's going to be a great Christmas.

Gingerbread Masterpiece

Our Ward is awesome and bought gingerbread houses for each family in our Ward to decorate.  They are doing a contest for our Ward's Christmas Party and obviously we are going to kill it.  And by "kill it" I mean win.  In our hearts.  Actually, I was really impressed with the kids this year.  Every one made a real effort to not only put in a great deal of thought and quality time on their part of the house, but also to be nice to each other and work together.  Jolly Holly hasn't even arrived yet.  So, that's real impressive in my books.  Noah was right in there and was the last one at the table making sure each finishing touch was a masterpiece.  It was actually really cute to watch him put so much effort and detail into his work.  Way to go Noah!  My job was to put as many M&Ms on that gingerbread house as possible.  One for the house, one for me.... 

I wonder how we ran out of icing.

Since the contest isn't for another couple weeks, we can't pick at our gingerbread house at all.  Which is torture!  So, today I made gingerbread cookies with Zoe while the others were at school.  I was so excited to take my first bite.  And realized I forgot to add sugar.  WINNING AT LIFE!

Healthy

I went to the doctor today to follow up with my blood work.  I've noticed that I've been especially tired/drained lately, to the point that I'm concerned about it and was worried that it might be related to my thyroid or iron levels or something.  I got my blood work done for all types of things, just to rule them out.  And guess what?  I ruled them ALL out.  I am a healthy human.  No body issues whatsoever.  This is a major blessing and relief!  What is NOT a relief is not knowing why I continue to be exhausted.  I think the short answer is: I have five very busy kids with their own schedules and plans, a messy house, and no husband half the week.  I don't exercise as much as I used to, and lately, I don't exercise at all!  I go to bed late and get up early and I drink more Diet Coke than water.  I will also admit out loud to myself that I am really hard on myself, so if I don't do something perfectly or in a way that I expect from myself, I beat myself up.  I take lots of beatings.

My doctor also asked me some questions about anxiety.  I mean, the word itself is such a blanket statement.  It covers so many different types of things.  And there can be a fine line between anxiety, or simply being super burned-out.  I think I am in that fine-line zone.  I am maxed as maxed can be, but do I need medication?  I don't know.  He asked me a series of questions related to anxiety.  I think I fit the bill in some cases and in others, I am fine.  Am I scared that if I look at the window on my front or back door at night that a man will just be standing there watching me?  Yes.  But am I having hallucinations?  No.  Do I worry each time Joe hits the road that that is the last time I will ever see him and did I make our last goodbyes count?  Yes.  But do I have trouble focusing on a task?  No.

The next steps for me are regular exercise because I know for a surety that it makes a difference in my life.  I just need to decide to DO IT, and then DO IT!  And my doctor tells me I need to go to bed earlier.  Sigh.  That's going to be hard for me because I hate going to bed early.  My kids might be in bed by nine, sometimes nine-thirty.  And then I get to have time for me.  Time to breathe.  And I like that time to last as long as possible.  It would be a miracle if I went to bed before midnight.  I don't even know how that's possible.  The other side of it is, I don't like going to bed alone on the nights when Joe is away.  So, I like to postpone that as long as possible.  It doesn't make sense really.  Prolonging the inevitable doesn't mean it's not going to happen at all.  I guess I just want to put it off until I am so tired, I have no choice but to sleep.  Also, my evenings are my only time to be creative.  I get to work on my writing the minute the kids are in bed and sometimes I finally look at the clock and it is far later than I would like.  As a rule, I try to have my lights out before 1am.  That's not terrible, right?  But right now it's 3pm, and I feel like I need a nap!  But kids will be home from school soon!  Haha!  I think my doctor is right, but I'm not going to pretend I like it.  Anywho.  We shall see if these next steps put me in the right direction.  I'm not against taking pills if I feel like it will help me, but I'd rather not if I feel like I can work towards being a healthier version of myself through other means.  I took Ciprolax several years ago for depression/anxiety.  It lasted three months.  It was great because it made doing the dishes not seem like such a mountain.  I even found playing with my kids to be "enjoyable."  BUT, it also made me feel nothing.  No highs.  No lows.  Just floating along.  Getting things done.  It was nice to be functional and to not feel the lowest lows in my life, but it also meant I didn't feel any of the highs.  I never cried---for joy or sorrow.  I didn't feel anything spiritually or physically BUT emotionally, I was level.  I wasn't a basket-case!  Haha!  I decided it wasn't worth it and weaned off.  I haven't taken a pill for my mental health since.  I can't tell you that that was the "right" or "wrong" answer.  I just know I didn't like who I was on those pills.  I'd rather feel than not.  Although I cry or stress, it also means I feel joy and laugh too.  So?  Exercise and sleep?  I hope you are my friend.  Also, I hope Joe can start living in our house again.   Even just 80% of the time.  That would be nice.  Joe and I have also talked about me seeing a therapist.  Joe thinks that everyone in the world could benefit from seeing a therapist!  He is probably right.  They help us learn coping strategies to our very specific struggles, and everyone in a world has problems.  Or maybe he just says that to make me feel better for being crazy.  Anywho.  One step at a time.

Exercise.

Sleep.

Hiring a Goblin King to take my kids one at a time.

(Oh wait, was that...?  Was that not on the doctor's to-do list?)