False Alarms

How can you go from feeling the highest of highs straight down to the lowest of lows all within the span of an evening?  False Labour.  That's how.  I am officially 37 weeks along today, technically putting me at full term.  Well yesterday during the day I went to the temple with a few of my Relief Society friends and had such a great experience.  I felt like I could feel baby Jane's Spirit there while I sat pondering what life was going to be like with her.  I could even envision her as an adult (and she looked like me).  It was so neat and so special.  I joked to one of my friends that once upon a time I might have been embarrassed at the thought of my water breaking in the temple but at this stage with baby number five, I would be totally thrilled and get over the embarrassment really fast.  Haha!  Well, as soon as I got home, I felt some trickling.  Not a gush, but a trickle.  Hmmmm....  I've had my water gush before, and I've had my waters trickle before.  But THIS was the slowest trickle in the world.  Was my water breaking?  Was the head lodged just so, so it was clogging the leak?  Haven't I done this four times already and shouldn't I know?  I was really hesitant because I have never been this early, nor have I ever anticipated going into labour this early.  But my body has really been feeling it lately and has been under a lot of physical stress, so it wouldn't have surprised me entirely if I really WAS about to go into labour.  I decided to take a shower and change into fresh clothes (and undies) to see if I was still trickling after that.  Well, again, I was.  But very slowly.  I could tell it wasn't pee.  But I also wasn't gushing with each movement.  I also didn't want to take any chances because this was baby number five, I didn't know if she was Group B Strep positive or not, and my contractions were starting to get more intense and closer together.  All signs were looking like this might be it.  Joe even called Health Link and they suggested going in and getting it checked out right away.  Don't wait for contractions to get closer.  This started at 4pm and finally at 8pm we decided to go to the hospital.  Sarah came over and brought her overnight bag just in case this was it.  I started organizing everything for babysitters in the morning (because Sarah would be working).  I got my hospital bag packed.  In my heart of hearts, I was worried about getting too excited about it until they did an internal and I could be officially admitted, but I couldn't help it!  The excitement and anticipation was automatic.  Problem is, I've had too many experiences with other deliveries where they send me home because it is false labour and every time it is heart breaking.  But I couldn't help but wonder, "well, how could they turn me away if I am leaking?  It has GOT to be my waters."  Well guess what?  (You can stop reading if lady stuff having to do with pregnancy grosses you out).  It was not my waters.  Nor was it pee.  It was discharge.  Yum.  This surprised me and saddened me.  Felt like a slap across the face when the doctor said I wasn't dilated (maybe 1cm) and the head hadn't dropped completely (are you sure?!!!), when my body feels so differently.  I HAVE done this before right?  I DO know the signs, don't I?  I had lots of feelings rushing through my body.  Anger.  Embarrassment.  Sadness.  Wanting to punch walls (and the doctor who was talking to me like I was three years old).  Wanting ice cream (like a three year old).  Disappointment stinks.  Poor Joe had the task of trying to make me smile or see the bright side.  He even did the dishes that we didn't get to that night, peeled me not one---nay---but TWO grapefruits AND volunteered to take the kids to school in the morning.  Bless that man.  The only other bright side I saw to that night was that they sent me away with Tylonol 3s and I slept that night like I have never slept before!  Still woke up three times to pee, ....but boy did I fall right back asleep!  In hindsight, I know this is a blessing, as crappy as this all feels.  It's always better for baby to be delivered closer to 40 weeks.  I know!  I just wish it wasn't so physically painful right now. And I wish I didn't have to go through the disappointment last night because the next three weeks will only seem longer and that much more torturous because I thought I was so close.  I also have Eleanor's birthday party to plan and prepare for on Saturday and she would have been crushed if we had to change the date (because we didn't celebrate it on her actual day and she has been waiting for her presents and all the "fun" that comes with parties).  Plus, what mother wants one birthday two days after another?  It's hard enough when they are months apart.  Also, I didn't even have a chance to nest.  Nothing is clean or organized in my house right now.  Heck, the crib isn't even set up.  I don't even have crib sheets!  Tisk.  Tisk.  AND I have one more week of teaching the Primary kids their song in church before I hand it off to someone else to sub for me next month!  Haha!  Okay, that would have been easy to find someone to cover me, but it's kind of fun teaching and I will miss them for all of Feb!  See, look at me, looking on the bright side!  All these things I can attend to because I did not have this baby yet.

Who am I kidding.  I would take the baby over all these things!  Where is the joy in THIS journey??!!  I suppose I have lots to learn.  Until then, I have a few weeks of things to do!  And then I get to hold this awesome baby all the time.  Three weeks isn't that far away... is it?  Four on the other hand....!

Kids on Broadway: Newsies!

Jackson and Noah posing at our dress rehearsal last week.

After we moved to Okotoks way back in July, Joe and I were brainstorming ways to make a few extra bucks to help with the transition of moving and all the other bills that come with not living in your in-laws basement anymore! I thought about teaching voice, songwriting lessons, guitar, etc. I didn't know what my pregnancy would be like and how I would do all this or how Zoe would be being the clingy child that she is.  But after coming off such a high with co-producing and co-directing "Cursed By a Woman" in the Spring I thought my time might be better spent in the Musical Theatre world teaching one class a week for as many weeks as possible (instead of a zillion one-on-one classes through the week).  I knew I'd be having my baby in Feb, and I knew that the chances of me having this baby early were slim, so I literally taught until the last possible moment that I thought I could handle in my pregnancy (36.5 weeks); making that four months of classes with fifteen very energetic 6-12 year olds (including Jackson and Noah).  Now I just needed a venue to teach this class!  This is where it got hard, because I didn't know Okotoks and I didn't know a lot of people in Okotoks either!  Well, one day I happened to have a conversation with one Meghann Clements whose daughter is into Musical Theatre.  I told her what I would LIKE to do, but didn't know how to get started.  I was too late to book any thing for a classroom and how could I possibly FILL a class to make it worth my time?   At this point it was already mid-August and most parents have their children's Fall Schedules jam-packed by now!  The odds of this class happening were looking slim.  Well, Meghann was optimistic and not only offered her basement as a teaching venue but also helped me spread the word.  Lucky for me, her optimism paid off and I was able to fill my class just in time to move forward.  I considered doing Annie, but when half of the kids turned out to be boys, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.  NEWSIES!!  And oh boy did I have plans!  I had five songs in mind, "Carrying the Banner," "Seize the Day," "Santa Fe," "The World Will Know" and "King of New York."  But after about three weeks of rehearsals with these kids I quickly realized that that was a little ambitious, so I regretfully had to cut "King of New York."  Sad.  I thought I might even have to cut another, but instead I just toned down the amount of lines and blocking I intended on having the kids do.  Two to three weeks before performance, I'm not gonna lie, I was nervous.  At this point the kids were coming off of Christmas and were restless and not really interested in focussing (same with the two week right BEFORE Christmas as well.  Haha!).  I wasn't sure how we were going to get through all the stuff we needed to get through!  But then I remembered how "Cursed By a Woman" was at that point and it was also quite a stressful mess.  Haha!  So I reminded myself that it always comes together somehow when it's crunch time!  Last week was our dress rehearsal and we still hadn't gone over the very end of "Carrying the Banner."  In fact, because we had been spending so much time on that song, the kids were starting to forget the choreography to all the other songs we had been working on to date!  Ack!  Well, thankfully on the day of performance I had the children meet two hours early so we could get in a solid hour and a half before doors opened to review everything.   We didn't even get to really do a technical run through (we "mostly" did one, but parents came early and we had to stop right before getting to the final song).  At this point, I was feeling good.  The only thing that worried me was parents being disappointed in the venue.  A venue which I chose for many different reasons.  I rented out the Crystal Shores Beach House and turned their Function room into a stage.  Did it look spectacular?  Not really.  I did my best trying to dress it up with set pieces, but my main reason for booking it was because there was NOTHING else in Okotoks.  The program would only be 20 minutes long, so to book a larger theatre AND sound AND lights with maybe 60 parents and family members in attendance didn't make sense financially OR size-wise.  And the other stages I had in mind were just too small.  One was already booked anyway and the other was the Stake Centre stage (and we'd have to drive into Calgary) which looked like a classroom on a raised stage with no curtain to hide the ugly-looking classroom.  Not to mention, how were these kids going to be heard in an echo-y gym without all being mic-ed somehow?  My "free" option was getting more and more expensive by the minute.  Joe said I should just check out the beach house just to see.  It seemed like the right size (it was) and I wouldn't have to worry about the kids not being heard because the room was just the right size.  And because we are members of the beach house it was also going to be affordable.  Win.

Well, enough about the technicalities of it all, let's talk about how the kids did.  The week before performance, anyone who was watching might have wondered how the heck this was going to be ready in time!  One of my students has autism, and although he is high-functioning, he often wants things to go his way in his time and if he's done, then he's done!  I was worried on show day that he wouldn't know any of the choreo because I often spend a good amount of class time reigning him in.  His favourite was "Seize the Day" and if we weren't doing that song, then he wasn't interested!  Haha!  I was SO proud of him on show day.  He remembered his lines and was involved in all the choreo (I had nightmares of him moving all the props around so no one could find them, or disappearing to the bathroom---which he did both of during dress rehearsal!  Haha!).  But he participated in all the songs during performance (which is what matters) and was super enthusiastic about it all.  During rehearsal, my favourite was that he kept switching his speaking line, "The Newsies were a ragged army..." to "The Newsies were a Demon army..."  Haha!  I almost wish he said "Demon army" because it was funny, but he got it right.  Best of all (making it all worth it), his Mom came up to me after in tears saying she cried watching him up there and thanked me profusely.  I have a nephew with autism, but it does not mean that I am a pro at teaching children with autism. Plus, there's such a huge scale to the autism spectrum that one child on the scale can vary quite differently to the next.  I didn't really know what I was doing, but I just tried to be as patient and understanding as possible.  Some classes were straight up write-offs for him.  And some were really productive.  All in all, it came together and that moment with this Mom after the show right there just made it all worth it.  As for the actual performance, it went pretty smooth with the exception of one major hiccup!  Being a Mom and a director on the same night is NOT a good idea.  Zoe was sitting on Joe's lap right beside me and as soon as I pressed play on my iphone for the music to start, she declares that she has to go pee!  Well, the bathrooms were basically on the side of the stage and I had just announced to everyone to go before the show or wait.  And here was my child being very vocal about it.  I'm not sure if this next part is a blessing in disguise or what, but she bumped my hand which not only stopped the song mid-way through completely, but took it to the beginning of the song with no hope of quickly recovering.  We had to start from the top.  Haha!  Sigh.....  But before I did that, Zoe declared in the silence once more that she had to go potty.  So.  We postponed the show for her so she could pee and we could all start over and watch the show in peace.  Three year olds are very unpredictable.  Next time I'm getting a sitter!

And of course as a Mother, I was super proud of Noah and Jackson.  Do I wish I could have given them more stand out parts?  Yes.  But as their teacher I had to be very political about everything.  I think I did a pretty good job dividing up parts so every one felt like their participation was as equal as the next child.  They were so cute (and spazzy) and I loved watching them shine up there with their friends.  I expected Jackson to be good and enjoy every second of it just from his experience in "Cursed By a Woman" but I wasn't sure what I was going to get from Noah.  This was his first experience with anything musical-theatre.  There were times in class where he would get mad about random things and sit out for the rest of the class.  It was sometimes tricky having to deal with that while having to teach 14 other children (not to mention the occasional crying Zoe who would want to hug my leg while I was teaching---I finally buckled down and just got a sitter for the girls after a while!).  These episodes didn't happen that often with Noah (and these episodes are not only limited to my musical theatre classes either).  My general observation of him told me that he loved it and was usually quite enthusiastic about it!  Joe and I were both super proud watching our boys on stage like that.  I have also loved hearing the kids sing these songs all over the house throughout the weeks leading up to performance (Zoe and Ellie know the songs just as well as the boys do!).  We actually watched the movie for the first time a few weeks ago---it's a long one---but because the kids knew the songs, they absolutely loved it.  They would jump up and sing and dance along to all the ones they knew.  So cute!  My only regret is leaving Ellie out of this experience.  I am sure there will be more, but I think she would have been more than capable!

Anywho, I have bitter-sweet feelings about being done.  My body is screaming "hallelujah!"  And my sanity is also doing the same (I can go to bed now without singing those Newsies songs over and over in my head while thinking of choreo and how I'm going to stick to schedule, etc).  But I am going to miss my cute class and all the personalities and talent in there.  Even the non-talent.  Haha!  Here are some pictures that Sarah took of the show (thank you Sarah!!!).

 

36 Weeks

Two things that have saved my life this pregnancy: hot wheat bags, and the other I discovered just last week... a maternity belt!  This hot accessory lifts and holds together what gravity is doing its darndest to pull down and destroy.  What's great about it is that I can do so much more in my day.  What's NOT great about it is I THINK I can do so much more in my day... and get away with it.  Usually at the end of the day when I pull this sucker off, my body hates me for putting it through the ringer.  And by that I mean, sweeping and mopping.  Doing laundry.  Getting groceries.  You know.  The things that we women do EVERY day, but somehow I cannot seem to accomplish in this pregnancy without feeling the utmost amount of pain possible.  And I'm not even talking about doing all three in one day.  Just choose one event and I am DONE.  I kid you not when I say I cannot walk at the end of the day.  The funny thing is, I am the same size and weight I was at this point with my last pregnancy (a whopping 165 lbs) but somehow I am just feeling it that much more.  It kind of stinks, but since I am trying to be more optimistic about life in general and seeming as how this is going to be my last pregnancy by choice, I am trying to embrace all the good.  Are you proud of me or what?  So last night, I may have gotten three hours of sleep BUT I got to feel my baby move around and feel the little swishing of her fingers or her leg whip around back and forth (or elbows, bum?  Who knows), and that stuff is pretty darn special.  Is it 3am?  Yes.  But will I miss it?  Absolutely.


 Here we are at my appointment last week. Zoe has been my loyal hospital companion and has actually been a pretty good sport.  We all know that no matter what time your appointment is at, you must always add at least an hour on top of it.  And no matter how many snacks I bring, it is never enough.  Ever.  I keep adding more each week and she never ceases to amaze me.  "But Mom!  I'm starving!!!"  So, the whole waiting room thinks that I don't feed my child....  Here is Zoe on her final two fruit snacks and me wondering how much longer it's going to be (it was another half hour on top of the hour we had already been waiting).  On a happy note, we discovered the baby is no longer breech!  My obgyn did an ultrasound and baby is head down!  Happy news.  Mommy can breathe and stop stressing.


And here's a quick snap of my watermelon today after church.  I am officially less than 4 weeks away from my due date (which probably means more like 5 or 6 weeks.  Haha!  Ha....).  I keep telling myself that I just need to make it through tomorrow and then this baby can come anytime.  What is so special about tomorrow you say?  Well, I've been teaching a Musical Theatre class for the past four months to fifteen 6-12 year old kids (including Jackson and Noah).  It's been fun, but honestly could be a lot MORE fun if I wasn't so darn... what's the word?  PREGNANT!  I heart teaching.  I do not heart teaching and being this uncomfortable.  Our performance is tomorrow and it's been a touch stressful because I just want everything to go perfectly, but mostly, I have been worried that this baby will come early (the one time I don't want it to) and I won't get through tomorrow!  Ha!  Yes.  I have had nightmares and have stayed awake stressing about this.  I am awake anyways, so I might as well stress about something!  But now that tomorrow is almost here, I'm feeling pretty confident that there will be no water breaking before the show.  Or anywhere near after.  That's just not how I roll, no matter how ready I think my body is for this baby (not to worry, Musical Theatre will get its own special post with plenty of adorable pictures!).


Although I am feeling more watermelon-y than ever, I am seeing that light at the end of the tunnel that says, "hey, I've got a cute and precious baby for you!"  It helps that we are very close to having the nursery pretty much put together and have almost all baby things in order.  I've washed, organized and put away clothes and blankets.  I've vacuumed, dusted and wiped down this room.  I even bought diapers just yesterday.  I often come into this empty room and sit in this very chair thinking about how in no time at all, I will be rocking a brand new baby Jane.

And I am beyond thrilled.

Lucky Me

Hormones are kind of the worst.  I already have them in spades, and then add pregnancy before the word "hormones" and it's all just a lot worse.  Haha!  My poor husband.  And poor me, of course.  Today was church (well, technically it was "yesterday," since I am writing this after midnight).  9am church.  We've just changed to the 9am time which I actually prefer.  But not right now.  I prefer to sleep in now because I don't sleep anymore, so when I don't fall asleep until 2:30am and then wake up three times to pee only to discover that the little Miss has decided to have a party in my womb or that my body hurts so bad that I struggle to shift around in bed and whimper every time I have to roll over, thus ending in not a lot of sleep and my alarm goes off at 7:55am, I want to cry.  And that is what I did today.  Except I waited to cry.  Joe had a special musical number practice before church (which he informed me of ten minutes after waking up---I think it was news to him, too), leaving me not a lot of time to get myself ready.  No big deal right?  So, the boys are pretty easy, because they can dress themselves and they have short hair.  The girls looked homeless and hadn't had their hair brushed for two days.  So, THAT is how I spent my morning, leaving me about ten minutes for myself.  Because I was in a rush I kept messing up my make up, which was NOT really helping me look awake anyway (and why am I messing up my make up?  That never happens!  Annoying!) and I decided that I looked hideous to the world and there was no possible way anything was going to help me look more presentable for the day.  Bad hair day.  Bad make up day.  Bad everything-appearance-wise day.  I was doing okay up until this point.  I look at the clock.  We are going to be late.  And can I just say something before we glance over that?  I kind of pride myself on getting to church on time.  I really LIKE getting to church on time.  I like being an on-time person generally.  And when you have kids it is especially fulfilling getting anywhere ON TIME.  Seeing the clock hit 9am and knowing that I was going to be walking in late really bothered me.  But I accepted it and I accepted the state of my tired-looking face and uncomfortably round belly in tight clothes that have to last me another month and went to gather up kids and go.  The girls were trying to "help" me by getting Cheerios as their church snack.  And they spilled the whole bag all over the floor.  I didn't let that bother me, though, and I was proud of that.  But I did snap 30 seconds later looking for Zoe's matching shoe.  Where is it?  I tore that front closet apart on all fours (which is where I kind of lost it.  I was actually throwing shoes) and finally found her matching shoe in the last possible place.  Mostly, I just wanted to lie on the floor because it would have been easier than getting up!  Grumbling under my breath we made it to church where Joe had saved us seats on the fourth row.  We surprisingly didn't miss the sacrament, which I know is the most important part so I should have just taken a breath and been grateful for that (and the fact that we had a soft bench to sit on and not hard chairs on the last row of the gym).  Well, we filed in (embarrassed as heck and afraid that everyone could see on my face how frustrated I was) and the moment I finally sat down is when I decided to burst into tears.  Why, you ask?  Well why not?  I'm PREGNANT!  I can't even pin point exactly why and I can't tell you how many times I tried to turn it off, but once the faucet is on, apparently it just keeps going when your name is Maren.  I figured it might be better to just sit there and cry than to rush out of sacrament and make some sort of scene where everyone could see my red blotchy face and teary eyes.  I probably should have done the latter and hid in the bathroom though!  Honestly.  Each time I thought I was clear of crying, someone would give a really good talk, or Joe's musical number was beautiful.  A mess, I tell you.  After church, bless ALL their hearts, I had a few friends ask me how I was doing or what they could do for me, and even a few texts and facebook messages once I got home.  It was really sweet, but I honestly just felt dumb because I had no very real tangible reason for being a bawl-baby except for that I was super tired, the fifteen minutes before getting to church was a bit of a mess, and I didn't feel exceptionally pretty or comfortable in my tight clothes and pain-filled body.  Joe told me I looked nice (like a good husband), and I think that might have been what set me off because I knew he was just saying it to be nice and I was determined to feel crummy.  Either way, I was a mess today.  My first real irrational mess of this pregnancy (well, that might be debatable.  But I have mostly been pretty good-natured all things considered).  I think that's pretty darn good considering I am eight months along.  I feel so close but so very far away!  And this is where I get to brag about Joe a little bit.  Even though I was an irrational mess, he made the kids lunch, sent me to bed and made sure the kids wouldn't come up to bother me.  Oh.  And he gave me a back rub before my nap, made an amazing dinner (but that's every Sunday) and did the dishes with the kids so I wouldn't have to be on my feet.  He just let me relax.  This is where I start to feel really blessed.  He didn't tell me I was being crazy.  Haha!  He probably just knew after doing this four times already what to expect with number five!  He has been very attentive lately (probably because I am constantly complaining), and especially today.  After sacrament meeting I realized that I forgot my water bottle at home.  I rely on my water bottle as the Primary Chorister because I am constantly in thirst-ville and don't want to lose my voice.   I asked him if he could check if there was one in the car.  Nope.  I thought it was done at that.  He DROVE home to get one for me.  Didn't complain or anything.  I know we only live a few blocks away from the church, but that gesture meant a lot to me.  It was a small act of kindness and selflessness that I have been wanting to reflect as my goal this year but I am majorly failing at!  Haha!  But I have most certainly been more aware, so that's a step in the right direction, right?  Thank you Joe for being such an attentive, loving and thoughtful husband.  Five kids (and five pregnancies) would not be possible with a less-patient man married to these amazing hormones.   Lucky you.  But mostly, lucky me.      

Zoe, Baths and Baby Jane

Remember when this girl used to hate baths? Now she can't get enough of them.  It doesn't stop at baths though.  Any time I want to hop in the shower she is half stripped ready to join me!  SHE KNOWS!  I CAN'T HIDE.  Haha!  Not even shower time is peaceful alone time for me.  I too enjoy my baths though, and I MAKE certain that I can enjoy my baths ALONE.  It's funny because I'm not really into baths usually, but when I am pregnant, it is such a relaxing release!  I get my bath salts or bath bombs, a good book and watch my tummy move around while the heat relieves all the aching.  I have been SO sore lately.  Everything hurts.  I know I've complained about this before, but I feel like it's so much worse with this pregnancy (which is why baths are so great)!  Joe and I were doing regular chores with the kids on Saturday, and I was dying with every step.  The problem is, I know I shouldn't bend over or lift this or that, but who the heck else is going to do it?  And then I totally pay the price!  We rewarded ourselves with a dinner and movie date night out that night (it's been a while) for putting in a good solid day and I couldn't even enjoy it because I was battling round ligament pain the whole time and everything ached.  Oh man.  THAT is when I probably should have just treated myself to a bath!  All complaining aside, I am getting really excited for this baby as the end is drawing near, AND am feeling nowhere near ready.  We don't even have a car seat and stroller!  The crib isn't set up.  Well, nothing in her room is set up.  I guess we still have 5.5 weeks.  Right now she is breech which is scaring me half to death, but my doc says not to worry unless she is still breech at our next appointment together, which is a week away!  Tarilyn said baby Georgie was breech right up until a few days before.  This baby had better NOT do that to me!  Mean.  I mean, please turn.  But please turn now and not last minute.  That would be great.  We as a family have been getting used to calling this babe "baby Jane" so I'm really hoping the ultrasound tech was right and it truly is a girl!  Haha!  Joe wouldn't mind so much!  I told him I had already sold/given away all of our boy things and he gave me permission to go on a shopping spree of boys stuff if it turns out being a boy.  Haha!  I am not prepared for a boy, so if we did have one it would likely be nameless for a while.  Although I recently came across the name Remi, which I thought was kind of cute.  But honestly, I am so happy to be able to use one of my favourite girl names.  Would a boy be easier?  ABSOLUTELY!  But, we make pretty darn cute girls.  Drama and all.  Baby Jane, looking forward to meeting you!  You are my last hope of having a blue-eyed baby, so do your best!  Or I might send you back.  ;)

JOY!

Last year, me and my friends decided that instead of making a zillion unattainable goals for ourselves for the new year that we would each pick one word that would define our year.  The word I chose last year was "limitless."  At the time I had just finished (ish) writing my musical and really wanted to put it on stage, but didn't know how or when that was going to happen.  In my heart of hearts, I really wanted to just go for it, so I decided that that was going to be my year of just DOING!  I can do whatever I want if I really truly want it.  So.  I am happy to say that I did it.  Organizing and putting that musical on stage was a crazy ride (lots of ups and downs) but in the end I did it (with a lot of help, let me add).  And it was so much more than I thought it was ever going to be.  I can't express to you the kinds of emotions I felt the weekend of production watching everything come together from behind the curtains.  Hearing people laugh in the right places.  Hearing people cheer and clap after a well executed number.  It ACTUALLY came together!  I am so proud of myself for ACTUALLY accomplishing a goal.  A HARD goal.  It feels good and I'm glad I allowed myself this year to be my year of no limitations.  I am going to do what I say I am going to do.  And I did.

Now it is another new year and it's time to choose a different word that I plan to live by.  It's been hard trying to narrow down what I would like my focus to be because I feel like I truly need to work on ALL aspects of my life.  But of course, the whole point of this exercise is to just focus on ONE thing as to not overwhelm myself.  And the word that keeps coming back to me is "JOY."  Finding joy in the journey, joy in service, joy in the hard stuff along with the good, joy in being selfless, joy in saying yes.  I know that encompasses quite a bit and I already feel like I'm failing.  Haha!  It seems the second I decided on this word the world turned against me, or rather SLEEP turned against me (even more so than usual), not to mention I have been in a crazy amount of pain with this pregnancy! I am not limitless when it comes to losing sleep OR being in constant pain.  I am a cranky, grouchy, nasty person.  So yes, it has been hard finding joy in losing two of the things I treasure most.  Sleep and my health.  Mostly sleep.  But it's also kind of the reason I wanted to choose this word.  I know that with this baby I WILL lose sleep and all kinds of my brains will go down the drain and I will be pulled and stretched like never before just from the sheer numbers of my growing family.  But I don't want to be a nasty, grouchy Mom.  I want to overcome those odds and be kind and soft and gentle and good (even at my most tired state).  It sounds a little impossible as I write this all out to be honest.  But I can at least TRY to make this my focus and catch myself when I am maybe not totally on track.  Goals are meant to be challenging, right?  Maybe I will even find joy in making dinner.  Maybe.

Favourite Things and The Ice Queen

A few weeks ago I got to take a road trip into Red Deer to have a "Favourite Things" Christmas gift exchange with my girlie-friends!  It was so fun and WAY too short.  We tried to squeeze in as much possible fun in the 24 hours we had and I think we did a good job!  Ate out for dinner, did our gift exchange and stayed up way too late!  (We took this picture at 3am).  Tarilyn put mattresses out all over her basement floor and we chatted into the wee hours of the night.  The next day included shopping, more eating, ordering IN food (because it's just a lot easier to enjoy everyone's company when you're not competing with loud music and people sitting at the other end of the table that you don't get to connect with all night), and lots of treats.  Of course.  I always love our visiting and always come home learning more and more about each friend.  Haha!  Nothing is ever TMI in our group of ladies!  (Missing in this pic is Jordana Fitzner and Jenny who joined us the following day and Amelia Low who lives too far South to have any fun!  Boo).  L-R: Alysha Sladek, Barb Butler, Julie Wilson, Sarah Strong, Kelli Gordon, Tarilyn Burnham, Cassie Bayly, Me, Andy Barnes, Kristi Dupont.


ALSO, during that trip I had asked Alysha if she would snap a few maternity pics of me as I was seven months along and didn't have an updated picture. What I thought was going to be a quick 20 minute profile shot turned into a full on high-fashion photoshoot! Which, I'm not gonna lie, I am usually totally up for.  But I prefer to do them after a good night's sleep, a hot shower, and not in the cold half naked feeling like a beached-whale.  Haha!  Alysha had brought along some maternity gowns (yes, I said GOWNS) and compared to the jeans and t-shirt I brought, they looked a heck of a lot more glamorous, that's for sure.  There's nothing like peer pressure to get you pumped up to do something crazy that you might not otherwise do!  Haha!  All I can think of is all the teasing me and my sisters did with my Mom for wearing a sleeveless dress to prom when she would NEVER let us do something like that.  Oh dear.  I have a feeling my three girls are going to eat me alive for this one, BUT my response to them will be, "when you are married, in your thirties and pregnant with your fifth and final baby, you may dress in a tube top in the middle of December for a maternity photoshoot!"

My justification for all of this is I've worn less on a beach, so let's all get over the shock of me bearing my bare arms and legs!  Eep!  All of this being said, I think Alysha did an amazing job and made me feel so beautiful (when I least felt it) and the setting was magical.  Thank you to bits Alysha (and Jenny and Julie for being assistants)!

www.alyshasladek.com

I will title these "The Ice Queen."  And yes.  I'm as cold as you think I am.  (Outwardly AND in my heart).

Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam

Zoe is officially a Sunbeam now. And I just got called as the Primary Chorister a few weeks ago.  This combination could be fatal.  Or really great.  I did this with Jackson when I was the Primary President and he was a Sunbeam and it was AWFUL!  He just wanted to be with me!  But it was also really adorable (after a while once he figured out how to sit with his class).  One of the reasons I love being in Primary so much is because I get to watch my kids grow and give cute/sweet answers to gospel questions.  Or be hilarious.  But having your brand new Sunbeam on the front row?  Well, let's just say that I was kind of REALLY looking forward to it, and kind of REALLY not.  And honestly, I got the best of both worlds last Sunday.  At first, she did NOT want to sit down with her class.  Why couldn't she sit right beside me or on my lap or cling to my leg while I was conducting?  I've been trying to explain it to her all week, but we still managed to have some tears.  And I got really sweaty.  But her teacher is awesome and really helped me out and in the end, Zoe seemed satisfied sitting next to her new awesome teacher.  Or on her lap.  Haha!  To introduce the new Sunbeams I had them all stand at the front and wave their magic Sunbeam batons to "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam" while looking like a Sunbeam.  SO cute.  Instead of looking out at everyone, they all turned and watched me.  I loved it.  And they seemed to love it too. p.s. I love Zoe's new little red dress.  You can't really see it in these pics, but it's pretty darn cute if I do say so myself.

And here I am in the last picture 7.5 months along!  And feeling it.  These days I can barely walk around or lift anything or bend over or sit without feeling like I am in a lot of major pain.  All I have to do is roll out of bed these days and BAM, everything hurts.  Somehow I have been blessed enough to make it through church, but when I get home I am out of commission for the rest of the day.  Well.  That's every day no matter what I do!  Haha!  

I asked Zoe after church what she thought of being in Primary (Ellie used to call it Cry-mary).  She said she had fun.  But didn't like Primary.  Hmmmmm.  Here's hoping next week will be a little more "likeable" and less Cry-mary-ish.

Christmas Holidays

I loved this year's Christmas.  We filled it with lots of fun Christmas time.  It seemed the best of the fun time started when Joe was able to take some work off and join us in all of our Christmas Festivities!  And we sure got a lot in over the holidays.  Calgary offers an outdoor Nativity and it was incredible!  A great way to kick off some family time and a great reminder of the reason for the season.  It was FREEZING!  But it was only 10 or so minutes long (minus the line up!) and we managed to cure our shivering with some hot chocolate and Timbits afterwards!  Yes please!  To add to our Christmas delight, Noah lost a tooth on this very day ( Dec. 22nd---probably due to all the treats).


On Christmas Eve we decided to spend part of the afternoon going skating on our (finally) frozen community lake! It was beautiful and perfect. The snow was falling ever so lightly.  It was only about minus five.  And I didn't fall.  I think I've been pushing my luck though!  I promise no more skating (for myself) until after this wee babe is born.  We finally up and bought one of those skate-helps so the girls could share only to find that the club house offers them, too!  One for each!  Yay!  Ellie was CRUISING on it.  Nothing was stopping her.  Literally.  Unless she fell.  Even that didn't stop her.  Zoe was a little less appreciative of the skate-help unless someone was right behind her helping her along with her skate-help.  She definitely did NOT last as long as the rest of the kids.  I was happy to take breaks with her and warm up inside though.  Problem was she wasn't really up for going back outside.  Haha!  This whole, "I don't like skating" was an unexpected first for Zoe.  Maybe the icy air and uneven ice had something to do with it?  Joe was Dad of the year and played hockey with the kids the whole time (first time playing hockey for the boys).  Even Ellie played and used her little skate-help thingy to hit the puck around.  We had such fun!  I was a great way to spend our afternoon together.  Afterwards we carolled to some friends (who weren't home) and dropped off cookies.  At least the good intentions were there, right?


After getting a little dinner prep going, we did our own little family Nativity.  I got to be the narrator this time because I couldn't move after all that skating.  Haha!  And Joe got to play multiple characters.  Joseph AND the donkey.  Equally important roles.  I let the kids figure out their own costumes and I think they did a great job!  My fav is Noah's choice of staff.  How appropriate with the new Star Wars movie out this Christmas.


Joe outdid himself this year, as he does every Christmas Eve.  I sliced bread and arranged cheese and crackers (that's all I'm good for in the kitchen) while Joe did EVERYTHING ELSE!  I requested wings as one of our appies, but we didn't have a deep frier, ...so guess who went out and bought me an early Christmas present?  Thank you Joe!  After our yummy dinner (that looks like we barely touched), we ate treats while watching one of our fav Christmas movies, "Elf."  Surprisingly the kids crashed pretty quickly after the movie and as promised, they didn't leave their room until 7am.  I didn't think this would be a problem this year anyway because that is when their internal body clocks wake up anyways, but their excitement managed to wake them up at 4am!!!  So glad I slept through all that!


One of the Christmas traditions on Joe's side that we've carried on is sugar cereal in the morning.   Each year, I become more and more grateful for it because it means I don't have to be in the kitchen getting bacon and eggs and pancakes going (like my Mom did on my side of the family).  Ellie was a little sugared-out and opted for a banana instead.  Not a bad idea considering all the candy she had already eaten from her stocking that morning!  It was such a treat watching them pull everything out one at a time and get excited all over again for each item.


This year was an important Christmas because we have added a new member to our family.  Jackson has been asking for a snake for over two years now.  Since we have not really been in a position to get a pet, I kept putting it off secretly hoping he would forget and move on.  Well.  He didn't forget.  And because he wasn't asking for a dog or a cat, I figured a snake I could do!  I can do this because after extensive conversations with both Jackson and Joe, I will never be in charge of feeding it or cleaning out its tank!  I hope these are not famous last words.  But honestly, if I find that I have to lift a finger for this new (very loved) member of our family, it will be sold and gone so fast.  I can hold it.  And that's about it.

Well, Santa left us the snake the night before because he couldn't possibly wrap it and leave it under the tree all night, so he left it with us in our room to wrap the morning of.  And apparently we weren't fast enough.  Jackson knocked on the door as Joe and I were getting dressed and ready, etc, and said, "I guess I've been naughty this year because I can't seem to find a present under the tree from Santa.  Every one else has a present from Santa but me."  Oh dear.  Bless this little boy's heart.  I could have died.  I immediately assayed his fears and told him that Santa had probably just hidden it really well and not to worry.  We would find it!  I didn't want his Christmas morning (before the discovery) to be completely miserable!  Thankfully, that helped.  And Joe said I was a softy.  He's just mean.  He would have let him believe there was no present until he found it.  MEAN!  To say the least, he was THRILLED to receive a brand new baby pastel ball python.  When he discovered it was a "she" his face fell a little bit.  Haha!  But he immediately perked up again and decided on a name.  Ashley.  Joe and I looked at each other.  Ashley?  We told him he could take more time deciding but he was determined.  Okay!  (Must be a cute girl in his class or something.  Haha!).


Joe and I weren't even planning on giving each other a gift, but with a bit of secret Santa help, Grandma and Grandpa help, and Mom and Dad help, we allowed ourselves to splurge a little on each other.  I asked Matt for some ideas and he nailed the perfect idea.  A guys weekend get-away (including Matt and Jeff), guilt-free!  Done.  Joe's gift to me this year was probably the best gift he has ever given to me.  The perfect amount of creativity, thoughtfulness and time were put into it.  The second I opened it up, I began to cry.  Nay.  Sob.  He had framed all of my music albums along with the CD so I can show off a time in my life that I worked really hard at once upon a time!  And he didn't stop there, he mounted all of my singles too that had made it on to various movies or shows, etc.  It was so sweet and so thoughtful.  Makes it feel like that part of my life actually did happen.  Thank you Joe for making me feel so special!

I had to include this picture. It was taken a few days before Christmas and I think they all look so cute.  The kids have been LOVING sledding this year.  And so have I because I just have to show up and off they go.  I promise I usually DO love going down the hill, but I suppose it will have to wait until next winter!


After our Christmas day filled with setting up Ashley's tank, setting up the play kitchen set the girls got (thanks---and sorry---Joe!), playing video games and checking out all the toys the kids got (and a nap for Mommy who hardly slept a wink due to a cold and a very active baby and bladder), we managed to make our way out the door to go to Lacombe to visit Joe's family for the week.  We intended to get out the door around 3-ish, but after realizing that our car was dead, along with our car-battery charger, we were a little behind schedule!  Since Joe's family is starting to outgrow his parents' house, his Dad offered to set us up in Lacombe's brand new Best Western hotel for the week!  Complete with waterslide!  It was so nice having that space to ourselves while only being five minutes away.  Our family is starting to get so big that we kind of take over.  Next year will be even crazier as Celeste and I will both have crawling babies (and who knows who else might join that train).  But, sadly, as expected every Christmas, everyone managed to catch the stomach flu.  It was a 24-48 hour thing thankfully, but it started close to the beginning of the week and trailed through our family for most of the week.  It was a little frustrating as we would have liked to enjoy more "fun" time with Joe's family but we made the most of it.  I got to spend some much needed quiet time reading/being lazy and we brought lots of family games to play.  The boys really glommed on to Monopoly and Joe found this weird, but fun, game called "Exploding Kittens" that we all got a kick out of.  And thankfully Joe had the foresight to bring the WiiU along with the new games the boys got this Christmas.  We were a pretty disgusting bunch.  Often times the maid service would come and we were all still in our pajamas close to lunch time.  It was refreshing once all the kids and Joe and I were finally well enough to be a little more active.  We DID managed to get lots of swimming in (even the whole family joined a couple times WITH the permission of the hotel manager), and even went skating once.  I want to call it "indoor" skating, but it was SO cold.  Most indoor places you can get away with wearing a sweater, but note for next time, bring coats, mittens and toques!  p.s. My personal fav about staying in the hotel for a week was the complementary breakfast every morning.  I had a Belgian waffle every single morning, complete with orange juice and fruit.  Yes please.  (Christmas wish for next year: Belgian waffle maker).




I had to include this picture of Zoe with Joe.  She is always climbing on his back during family scripture and prayer time.  Failing at the whole teaching-reverence thing!  Haha!  But it's fun to watch and keeps family scriptures lively.  She also thinks she's pretty hilarious (she is), and one time she was repeating the word "multitude" but instead said, "multi-toots!  Hahaha!  I said mutli-TOOTS!"  Like I said, she keeps it lively for us!

I managed to not capture any pictures of our ONE long and fun evening together with Joe's family, New Years Eve! Tisk tisk.  Probably because we were having too much fun.  Or maybe it was because we were trying to fill everything into one evening since most people were sick for most of the week.  We waited until all the kids were in bed and then gathered to each share one thing that we learned this year.  It was hard narrowing it down, but I went with an experience I already blogged about a couple months ago on Nov 10th, entitled, "Sunday Was Good."  I learned that often times the more selfless we are, the more we are blessed!  Got a long ways to go!  There were lots of tears and great experiences shared.  Afterwards, we had fondue and other yummy snacks (this finally happened around 9:30-10pm and we finished up an hour later.  THEN we did our white elephant gift exchange.  We usually do it Christmas Eve but we were missing too many people (including US so they couldn't do it without US!).  It was so fun as per usual.  Joe and I walked away with a weave wall hanging that our cousin Melissa Elder made (thanks to Tarilyn for ordering it!  And thanks to Joe for stealing it for me) and a snow cone maker!  Can't wait to try that one this Summer (thanks to Rob Swainson being a kid at heart).  At this point it was already almost midnight and the night hadn't even really begun!  We have started doing an annual games night on New Years Eve where everyone pitches in some prize money (for incentive) and the couple who gets the most points at the end of the night wins the pot.  Last year Joe and I won.  This year?  We were not even close!  Mind you, we had to really rush through three games (sad) and didn't even get to all the games (a little disappointing).  This night needed to be broken up into several nights, but unfortunately we didn't have the luxury.  The funnest game (as always) to play is the not-so-newlywed game so we started with that one.  Tarilyn does such a great job organizing this night!  And as luck would have it, she and Matt won the pot!  I think they deserve it considering how much time goes into this evening for Tarilyn.  Plus, it's just fun!  Finally at 3am, I crawled into bed.  Beside Zoe.  Because Zoe was being insane.  Come to find she has a massive cancar sore on her tongue.  So, she was up all night crying about it and I got to be the one to quiet her down as to not wake the whole house ALL because she loves me most.  Sometimes I wish she loved Daddy just a little more.  It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we didn't lose a little sleep though, right?

Thank you Mom and Dad Burnham for making this week as special as it could possibly be made and for spoiling us to death!  It doesn't go unnoticed and we appreciate your time and love!