Cursed By a Woman

So, it's been just over two years that I started working on my musical. And for the longest time, I've just been calling it "My Musical" because it hasn't had a title. Until now. Well, at least, this is what I will be calling it until I can come up with something that actually suits the story.  It might stick, it might not.  But this picture is actually quite exciting because I am holding the first printed copy of my musical!!  Ninety-six pages long.  Two years and five months in the making.  In my hand!  Yes.  I teared up.  To say that my musical is "finished' would be an ambitious statement.  It is very close, but this copy was as close as I could get it before my first script-reading.  It was at Ron and Wendy Gibb's house, involving Danny and Barb Butler along with Whitney, their ten-year-old daughter who couldn't be torn away until she knew the ending, Jayna Butler, Amy Hirsche and my darling Joe.  I assigned each person a part or two and on the night went.  What I thought was going to be a three-ish hour evening, turned into five!  It was a long night, but ever so productive and encouraging.  I walked away from that experience just dying to work on it!  But I was leaving for Montana for a girls trip the next day and just got home yesterday.  So, I have yet to tweak each scene, a few songs and finish the rest of the music, possibly four to seven more songs.  This musical has been all I can think about lately (other than my kids and Joe and getting ready for school to start and Joe finding a job and laundry).   I was so nervous and anxious the day of the script-reading!  Poor poor poor Joe.  I kept worrying that no one would come.  Or what if my play didn't sound original enough and there was some obscure play that I'd never heard of that I essentially copied?  Or what if all the parts that were supposed to be funny weren't?  Or what if my songs weren't up to par?  Or what if I just plain wasn't good enough?  Yeah.  Satan was on my tail all day.  And I sure showed it.  But, thankfully all of the things I was nervous about vanished as soon as we started our read through.  Not only was I among amazing and talented people, I was among friends and supporters.  Barb holds a special place in my heart because when I was in grade ten (fifteen years old), and I was just barely starting to write songs, she encouraged me to try out for our school's "Battle of the Bands."  Well, being in grade ten and not technically having a band, and also technically never having played a real show (with my own songs) in my life, there was NO way I was going to do it.  But her support and encouragement gave me the courage to try.  I came in second place (and the guys who won gave a speech that essentially said that I should have won).  I didn't know I could do it.  So thanks Barb.  And thanks for continuing to support me in my crazy musical endeavours!  She is an incredible woman and friend.  Even though she originally claimed that she wouldn't possibly be able to add anything helpful to the script reading, she lied, and totally did.  And even if she hadn't said anything particularly helpful that evening, I still would have needed her there just for the support.  So, thank you Barb.  And I also love that Jayna was there because my first three meetings about this whole musical idea were with her.  She encouraged me and helped me come up with certain ideas (that have completely changed over the years of re-writes).  I personally would have loved to have partnered up with her and have written it together, but with moving away and with her being the busiest person I know it just didn't pan out that way.  Plus, I learned a lot about myself and my abilities by doing this on my own.  And then there's Joe.  The poor soul who would come home from a long day at school to me singing or playing some random part on the piano over and over, or singing random parts throughout the day.  And worse of all, hearing me wake up in the middle of the night because I had a tune in my head that I just HAD to record before I forgot it.  He endured the, "You HAVE to listen to this song NOW because I just finished recording it and need someone to tell me they love it!"  He soon learned I didn't really want him to "fix" anything or give his opinion.  Just say, "awesome job, Mare."  Although, looking back, much of his feedback was decent, as long as I wasn't on my period.  He has learned how to tread carefully.  He also endured my first reading of Act I--just us two--when I still had no idea where the heck it was going or what I was doing.  We wasted what could have been a night out on that reading.  It was painful.  But necessary.  Thank you Joe.

My plan is to spend the next two to three months tweaking what needs to be tweaked in the script and finishing the rest of the songs.  With the boys going back to school and getting back into a schedule again, I feel like it is possible.  Also, Joe is setting up my studio this week, and once that is set up he won't be able to get me off of it.  I told myself that I was going to finish it this year.  So.  That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!  (My war-cry).

"I Two!"

Zoe, today you are officially two!  We have taught you to say, I am two (more like, "I two") when asked how old you are now.  Earlier this week we celebrated your birthday with your cousins, Kwyn and Bash, at Discovery Canyon.  This time was a different experience for you because we ended up buying a dingy so the boys could take you down the waterfall in it.  And you LOVED it.  You went down more times than Noah.  And that's saying something.  Both of the boys were really good at making sure to hold you and make sure you were safe.  Especially Jackson.  He is officially your protector.  I think one of the sweetest pictures I captured of you two is where he is helping you out of the dingy at the end of the run.  It makes me wonder if my older brothers treated me with such delicacy and thoughtfulness.  You also got to go down on the all-girls dingy with Charlie and Ellie.  I wasn't quite sure how well that was going to work, but Ellie took really good care of you and held you tight.  You two are finally becoming friends.  If anything, it's YOU who wants her space these days.

Before we met up with the family, we had our own little gift opening.  I found this beauty of a trike off of Kijiji for $5 whole bucks.  Feeling pretty proud.  You love it.  You woke up from your nap to this thing all wrapped up and weren't sure quite what to do, so the others helped you rip the wrapping paper and all you wanted to do was sit on it.  You even have the side-saddle position down.  Impressive.

There was also a play ground, so of course there was a lot of, "a go down a slide?" and "peek-a-boo."  You were being especially cute and I was having one of those moments of, "Ah, she's growing up!"  and "how did I get so lucky to have such a cute kid?"

In Matt-fashion, he led the kids in some stretches before some intense racing while cake-prep was happening.  It was such a perfectly gorgeous evening.  Minus some occasional whining and crying.  I was impressed that it didn't come from Ellie.  No falls!  I was just waiting for it to happen, and it didn't.  Maybe she is finally learning how to coordinate those legs after all.  The tears came from YOU,  wondering why all the kids were running away from you.  Charlie came back to encourage the stragglers.

Nothing like a good suffocating on your birthday.  Ha!  The kids kept blowing out the candles as they were being lit.  A little too eager.  Haha!  Thank you to Granny for providing this delicious chocolate cake.  Even though it was gluten free.  I'll forgive you.  I guess.

As you can see, the whole gluten-free thing didn't phase you. You loved it. And even finished off someone else's piece while you were at it. We ended up getting you one more little gift, a "Frozen" colouring book---your favourite movie and activity all in one. You loved it and immediately wanted to "a corouling a book."

A little group shot. I am amazed we got this. It was kind of getting to be that time where kids were getting a little hairy. And so were the adults. Crazy faces works every time. I kind of forgot to make a crazy face time by the time I ran back from timing the camera. Haha! OR, I'm the only sane one of the group!

Zoe, this is where I get to tell you how awesome you are and brag the heck out of you.  These two pictures above 100% describe your personality.  You are bubbly and crazy and funny and spazzy and straight up adorable.  I kid you not, every time I leave the house with you at least one person comments on your beautiful curls.  Sometimes they are wild and crazy just like you.  Sometimes they are tame and sweet, which is also you.  When you feel like it.

You have this amazing desire to learn.  You LOVE books.  And you don't just sit there and listen to my voice, you want to understand. Right now you are into letters and numbers.  So you will point to various letters and numbers and ask, "Wha IS dat?  Wha IS dat?  Wha's IS dat?"  (The "IS" having the inflection).  Over and over.  And then you'll repeat what I say as a question.  "This is the number twenty four."  "Twenny-fow??  Wha's dat?" and you'll point to something else.  I also find you doing this around the house too if you stumble on random numbers or letters.  You already know your shapes so I think you get bored with them and ask me before I ask you.  "Mama, wha is dat?"  "A star."  "A daw?"  You also have several favourite books memorized, like "Twinkle Twinkle little Star" (or "Dinkow, Dinkow Wittow Daw") so you will read/sing that one to me and point to all the stars and count them all and point out all of the other shapes on the page.  It amazes me how much you remember.  We have this Look-and-Find book, and you remember where certain things are right away.  This is a Look-and-Find for Noah and Jackson's age!  You recognize a few letters already and now know what odd things like binoculars and horse shoes are because of this one favoured book.  Why not?

Zoe, you love love LOVE to sing.  But not as much as I love love LOVE to hear it.  Bed time is kind of my favourite time with you because we have one on one time in the rocking chair where you sit on my lap, read a book, sing songs and say prayers.  You have me wrapped around your little finger, too.  Just right before we get to the end of a song you immediately request a new one and just start singing.  I can't say no to that because I love to listen to you sing.  You get really animated in your dynamic and expression.  It is way too cute.  Your favs are, "I Love to see The Temple," "ABC's" which Grandma O taught you, "Rock-a-Bye" which is a Granny B song and "Ride Ride" which is also Granny B.  You are now saying prayers on your own and speaking in full-on sentences.  And when I say sentences, I mean that rather loosely.  As your Mom, I am a pretty good interpreter.  "Corouling" is colouring; Gah-minos is strawberries (don't ask), Hi-pad is iPad, for a while "bad-daddies" was blueberries.  The list goes on.  You are also very good at remembering to say, "Thank you!" for even the smallest thing, especially when you are given food or snacks.  And whenever I ask if you want something you say in the cutest and lowest voice ever, "yus" (yes), or "Okahy" (okay).  You are well quoted between Dad and I.

You are funny.  And you know it.  The other night I was taking a video of you singing, "I Love to See the Temple" and you decided to make it a silly song and make weird faces and move your head around all silly-like.  We watched it afterwards and you belly laughed like I've never seen.  Oh it was cute.  So we made another video and you one-upped yourself and were even more funny.  So yes.  You take after your Dad.

Your favourite things in the world are trying on everyone else's shoes but yours, going down the slide, colouring (there's a space on your bedroom walls that I still haven't cleaned up and every night before bed you point it out and say, "A mig mig mess!"), watching the movie "Frozen" every day, or at least watching all the musical numbers in it and singing along.  Yes, you know most of the words, Zoe-style, and will also dance around.  You love the song, "Summer" best.  You love to "brusha-teeps" (brush your teeth) multiple times a day (better than me), Your fav tv show these days is "Bubble Guppies" which is a nice change from our daily "Frozen" routine.  You love to request "Oat-a-meal" every morning when you get out of bed.  It's your fav breakfast.  You've started getting into building towers with blocks or dice or whatever you can find.  You absolutely LOVE stuffies.  You go to bed every night with Duckie, but I'm pretty sure you would take anything cuddly and soft.  I considered getting you a new stuffie for your birthday, but then decided you already had a million to choose from.  You love stepping on ants, but Spiders are "Scawy!"  You love to mimic words.  Even if it's a tricky word or phrase, you will always give it a go.  I'm not going to pretend that you don't love playing on the iPhone.  You ask for it all the time.  Your favourite go-to game is "Toca-Boca."  It teaches you to clean.  Just not in real life.  You love your cousins Kwyncee, Annie, Charlie (or "Carly") and Sebastian.  Especially Bash because he's a big kid and he loves you right back.

Things you HATE: Bath time.  You fight it and scream the whole time.  I think you are afraid of pooping in the tub because you do it 90% of the time.  So yes, bath time is QUICK!  Sometimes I don't even fill up the tub, I just use a cup and let the water run.  Less time screaming and no poop in the tub is two thumbs up for me.  At least when you DO poop in the tub, it gets cleaned more often.

My favourite things about you:  When we "ah--hu-nuggle" (snuggle), make silly faces at each other, the sound of your sweet little two-year-old voice and when you say, "I love you, too."

Honestly there is so much more about you that I love and that you are capable of, but this would be a zillion pages long.  Add what your siblings and Dad think, and it would be another zillion.  Zoe, just know you are well-loved.   Happy Birthday!

Why Are You Crying?

Today was a good day.  It didn't start off good.  We went to church.  It starts at 9am.  We were late.  Zoe is entering her terrible twos early.  There was lots of screaming and hall time.  Ellie kept asking to go to the bathroom during the passing of the sacrament.  And then she told me I was being mean.  I was.  And then we didn't bring enough gadgets for our kids to play with, so one was left out.  Why do I bring my iPhone or iPad ever!?  I make them play "church" games at church to justify it and it keeps me from having to carry a massive bag of colouring stuff, but I REALLY dislike the scene of young children zoned in on these things (my Mom taught me to use the word "dislike" instead of "hate" but if I could use the word "hate" here, I would).  So, let's suffice it to say that the start of my day was not awesome.  What was cool today was that the Bishopric in my ward got totally rearranged.  So there were a lot of testimonies shared.  I love hearing strong members of the church bear their testimonies.   I needed to hear all of those.  I have found ever since being released and moving and NOT having a calling in my ward yet, it has been difficult for me.  I haven't been bearing my testimony every week like I am used to with the youth.  And although my faith is being tried with Joe finding work right now, I feel like my faith is weaker than it ever has been.  I don't like it. My world has been a little shaken recently because my oldest sister and her entire family just left the church.  It hurts a lot and I cry a lot over it.  She is an adult and I know the church doesn't have a monopoly on happiness (I stole that saying from Joe because he has had to remind me more than once), so I know that she can find happiness or be happy now.  But I know it's not going to be the greatest degree of happiness, and I know it's not going to be an eternal happiness.  I don't need to go into detail about this.  They are still really good people.  They are still kind and generous and sweet.  And even supportive.  They came to our niece's baptism this Summer.  But the whole time I just wondered what they must think of us now that they have declared that they have officially left?  I am learning that it doesn't matter.  This is a HUGE learning curve for me.  Our family has grown up in the church so you just talk "church" like it's easy.  But it's not easy now.  I am sure over time things will change and we will get used to their choices.  Do I want them to come back to church?  Heck yes.  But it's not up to me.   So the number one thing that I have been trying to focus on is love.  That unconditional kind.  Sigh.  It's hard when you just want to say, "Wake up!  You can't deny the truthfulness of the gospel!  How can you deny your own personal experiences with the Spirit?"  Which is why I still go to church on hard days like today.  And I am glad I did.  Because, although it started rough, my testimony was strengthened by others.  And there was a talk given about tithing.  Well, we haven't paid tithing for months what with moving and the transferring of our records, etc.  Joe is broke, but IIIIII get paid for having kids.  Thank you government.  I had this feeling today that perhaps blessings were being held back because we haven't paid tithing in a while.  I have had some really great tithing experiences where a lot of faith was on the line and I have received blessings beyond measure.  I KNEW it was because I was a full tithe payer.  That is the ONLY thing in this life that you can be perfect in, so why the heck not try to be perfect in ONE thing?  I fail at everything else!  Well, I felt grateful today that my kids let me listen long enough to catch that part of the talk and grateful that a little voice was kind enough to whisper that once I caught up on my tithing, I would see some major blessings.  I know I will.

Well, that changed my attitude and the rest of the day was really good.  I am subbing in Primary as the Music Lady for a few weeks.  I LOVE it.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  I only wish I could sub every week.  When I asked them if they remembered my name from last week, Ellie shouted, "MOM!"  It was so cute.  All of those Primary kids are just so precious.  Even the smart-alec ones.  I know some people who might think that we "indoctrinate" these kids while they are little, but, really?  All "Mormon" doctrine aside, we are teaching them to be good.  All of the songs we sing are about Christ, or making good choices, or loving our families.  I'm not sure how that's a bad thing.  You can't deny that those principles they are learning are truly good and from God.  Okay, tangent.  So I got home and after lunch I watched the Living Scriptures video with the kids of, "Alma The Younger."  If you know me, you'll know that THIS scripture story is one of my favourites.  About a young man, the son of the prophet, who goes around basically destroying the church with the sons of the King.  People in the church (even the ones being persecuted) are praying for him and King Mosiah's sons.  What I love is their constant prayer.  They didn't just stop because, "Well, this is just who they are and they will never change."  They kept praying.  Not even the worst of their sins could stop these people from praying for them.  Just know that I am not comparing my sister to Alma the Younger here.  In fact, I am putting myself in his shoes for all of my weaknesses.  Makes me wonder if Alma's Father's faith ever wavered.  No results.  Lots of praying.  Where are you God?  On a much smaller level, I have been feeling a little of that with Joe's job search.  Why is this taking so long God?  What is your plan here?  Thank GOODNESS I have Rob and Colette here as an unwavering example.  If we weren't living in their basement and partaking in their generosity, I wouldn't get to see that every day.  They don't have easy or perfect lives, but they are giants in the Gospel.  If they were around during the pioneer times, they would be those cheer leaders at the front of the pack!  I guess symbolically, they are.  And I have Joe who came from these two.  Feeling pretty blessed.  Well (back to the story), an angel came to him essentially telling him to stop persecuting the Saints of God and destroying the church, etc, and he fainted.  After two days and nights, he woke up.  He fasted and prayed and repented like crazy and made things right.  There is a montage with a perfectly beautiful early 90's song in the cartoon video of him making amends with all those he hurt.  And I love it.  These people didn't hold grudges.  They just forgave.  Hey, thanks for changing!  So, here I am bawling during this entire twenty minute movie, but especially during that part, and Jackson turns to me, "Mom.  Why are you crying?"  Well, it's not like it's a shock that I cry.  A lot.  So I told the kids that I was crying because I am so happy that even though we make mistakes, even the worst of the worst kind, we can repent and can be forgiven.  And to a kid, they hear that all the time in church and Family Home Evening.  So what?  Well, at my age, you make a lot of mistakes.  You may go to church, but what is that when you are "mean" to your daughter while you're there?  I had angry feelings at church.  What a Saint I am.  I haven't paid my tithing in months.   At first I was just waiting until we moved to a new ward where our records would be, but now it's just because I keep forgetting.  What a grateful soul I am.  I do a lot of other things that I am not totally willing to confess to, but there are enough that I feel like I definitely need my Saviour so I can repent.  ...A side story to lighten the mood:  A lady was reading from the scriptures in Sacrament meeting a few weeks back and said, "...blah blah blah... MY God...." to which Ellie responded, "It's not HER God.  It's EVERYONE's God."  Well!  She KNOWS things.  Haha!  But it's true.  I just thought of that as I wrote, "MY" Saviour.  How selfish of me.  Anywho, it just made me grateful that no matter how bad I am and no matter what stupid decisions I make, I can stop and take a breath---and I can CHANGE!  It's pretty amazing.  I would be lying if I said I didn't think of Shannon, her husband and her three grown up boys.  If they make this decision and they are happy with it, then that is their choice.  But I hope they feel like if they ever wanted to, they can come back.  They can change their mind.  That would certainly be a day of lots of tears.  The best of kinds.  

Okay.  I think I have all my thoughts out.    

The Coolest Thing in Red Deer

So, we're still trying to figure out what's awesome about Red Deer.  Don't be offended if you are a fan.  It's just, coming from "big" cities like Edmonton and Calgary and beautiful places, like Burlington, we are trying to find treasures in every troll, ...I mean TROVE we live in.  Central Alberta is gorgeous for it's Prairie land (in the Summer ONLY), so I will give Alberta that. And their magical sunsets.  But we "discovered" a place called, yes, "Discovery Canyon." And it's amazing.  It's a natural water-slide/lazy river with a pond/beach at the bottom.  We went there a couple weeks back when it was like 30 degrees.  And so did everyone else in Red Deer.  That place was jammed with little people.  And for a Mom of four?  Stress!  Joe was standing in line to get tubes while I kept my eyes on the kids for a solid 20 or so minutes.  Ask me how fun that was?  It wasn't.  The words, "stay close" didn't mean a thing to my kids coming from my lips.  Definitely a two-parent place.  But once we got settled and we knew the older three could handle the water slide, it was kind of awesome.  What I am learning about Ellie is she thinks she is old enough to wander and do things on her own.  After a couple runs, I thought she was with Joe, and when I found out she wasn't, ...well, you can imagine!  I RAN to the top of the hill and there she was, already in the water ready to go down again.  She is NOT a strong swimmer, so I need to be watching her in the water at all times.  Obviously she thought differently.  Ack!    This is not the first time, nor has it been the last that she thinks she's old enough to do things all by herself.  I wish it worked that way at home with making her own food or cleaning up her toys.  She has become the polar opposite of Noah.  My Wanderer.  Anywho.  Other than that frightening moment of "WHERE IS MY CHILD!" it was actually quite a fun afternoon.  We could have spent MUCH more time there.  Poor Zoe got to miss her nap, but she was a trooper and found a creative place to relax anyway.  I even tried going down on one of those ultra mini-tubes with Zoe on my lap before leaving.  Spoiler alert: The tubes are not for adults.  Haha!  So Joe had the pleasure of watching me fuss my way down that thing (among the rest of Red Deer).  I passed on posting pictures of that, so Joe is truly the only one (and all of Red Deer) who got to enjoy my grace and finesse.
 
Alright Red Deer. What else ya got?

Joe is 34

Joe and I aren't the same age any more.  There's only a couple months where we overlap and are the same age.  But now he is officially older than me again.  I am a STRESS case when it comes to giving gifts to Joe.  I want them to be perfect!  I want the day to be awesome.  I even started crying two weeks beforehand because I still had no clue what to get him.  Everything he wants is way out of our non-existing budget (a $700 charcoal grill so he can roast some $60 pig-butt and a $500 dollar golf watch.  Money is dumb).  So he left me with no choice but to be creative.  Which seems to happen every year.  Sorry Joe.  I think after ten years this whole "creative gift" thing is likely getting old to him, even though to my face he says he loves it, and I know if the roles were reversed I would love my gifts to me, too.  Joe honestly doesn't really care if his birthday is a disappointment, but I do.  So, after a long stupid hormonal little girl cry in the bathroom, I had an aha-moment.  I just finished editing a music video of all my friends dancing along to the song "Happy" by Pharrel Williams about a month ago.  My kids LOVE that song and they LOVE to dance, so I put the two together and while Joe was away fishing all day, we came up with some pretty great material for a music video.  It was so cute to watch my kids all dance and say what about Dad makes them "Happy."  Zoe had just gotten up from a nap, so I got some really great zoned-out moments, and some very unhappy crying.  So so so good.  The video is on my youtube page.  I even find myself watching it randomly, even though I am "Happy"-ed out, just to remind myself of how cute my kids are.  Some days I feel really lucky.  Today was not necessarily one of those days, but I promise I occasionally have them.  So other than that video being a success (we all watched it together and laughed) and other than arranging to have Joe golf in the morning with his Mama, the day was probably not my best work.  I arranged to have Matt be my undercover spy to find out what Joe might like.  Matt came up with a nifty fly fishing rod, which the day before his birthday the plan was aborted because Joe decided he liked his rod better.  So, ...I had nothing tangible to give him but candy and a hug.  I was also planning on a family outing to Gull Lake and just playing all afternoon, but Joe doesn't sleep anymore, so I offered to let him have a nap instead.  That's fine.  Not fun in my books, but it's HIS books I was caring about that day.  And he needed that nap.  I got to read a book, so I was cool with it.  But then I started to get a headache just before we left for our date night.  Well, 2 Extra strength Advil Liquid-gels were doing squat for me and I was poor company.  Joe was groggy and was also poor company.  And to top it all off, we went to a super nast restaurant which makes me mad.  Not a lot of choices in Red Deer I think we are learning.  And honestly, one thing you will learn about me is that I hate paying for awful food.  Like, a lot.  But we did it anyway and I tried my best to be aloof, but I'm pretty sure that I complained about it a lot to Joe before I got to the aloof part.  Sorry Joe.  I blame it on the headache.  And being a snot.  We then went to Costco to get movie tickets among other things to kill time before our 10:15pm movie.  Do people even like going to movies that late?  What happened to 9pm movies?  Okay, the complaining ends..... NOW.  The redeeming moment was that we watched a hilarious movie, "Guardians of the Galaxy" and a caffeinated beverage cured my head ache.  And that was Joe's day.  Maybe one day I won't suck at birthdays.  Maybe one day he needs to give me a list of inexpensive things to buy for him because I don't have time to be creative anymore and I am a stress case on any regular day!  Honestly, I know he was fine with the day and felt special enough, but I don't want him to feel special enough.  I want him to feel awesome!  And I'm pretty sure I didn't get that far.  Hopefully he knows how much love went into the day, even though it wasn't perfect and I complained a lot when I should have been soft and kind and fun to be around.  I have another year to get it right.

I managed to capture this cute little shot that clearly shows how much Joe is loved.  Happy Birthday (said in a sultry and awful Katy Perry voice while trying not to laugh because I can NOT be sultry to save my life, which is why I also said awful---and that song is nast, which is also why I am laughing).