Jackson

I feel like the last few months I have been giving Jackson a hard time. I know I've written posts in the past about the moody teenager that decided to take over this kid's body, but I am finding over the last several weeks that by giving him more opportunities, he has been rising to the occasion.  Honestly, if I treat him like the kid I know he is and has the potential to be, he is way better behaved.  Joe gave Jackson one of those opportunities for Family Home Evening a few weeks ago.  He asked Jackson to give the lesson about Temples.  Joe helped him write out point-by-point what the plan was, and then he had him write out his own testimony.  I could have died watching Jackson take on that responsibility and just run with it.  I kind of love this stage.  The kids are getting older and can do more (for example, I added cleaning the downstairs bathroom to the boys list of Saturday chores.  Yes please!).  Here's a picture of the testimony that Jackson wrote.

The sweetest and best is that this isn't his only one.  I am pretty sure I've already told the story of when Jackson went up to bear his testimony during testimony meeting and froze before closing.  I'm pretty sure he was just calculating in his mind how to finish it all off.  Well, after an uncomfortable amount of time, a Bishopric member went up to help him finish.  He was mortified!  I thought he would never "barry" his testimony again.  But thankfully he came up with a better plan and he now writes them out before going up so he feels prepared.  He brings a scribbler with him every Sunday and last Fast-and-Testimony meeting, Joe's parents were visiting so I reminded Jackson that it was Fast Sunday if he wanted to go up again.  That boy went right to his scribbler and spent half of sacrament meeting carefully figuring out what to say.  It was so sweet to see him ponder and really think about what he wanted to get out.  And then when he was ready, he went right up.  Usually he asks me to sit on the front row so he's not walking up alone.  But not this time.  He is growing up!  And after he went up, a bunch of his other little buddies decided to share their testimonies too.  I love it.

 I'm not going to pretend that all my kids are like this all the time, but it was sure a proud moment for me watching Jackson carefully plan what he wanted to say and then to go up and say it.  Definitely a proud Mommy-moment.  Below are a couple more examples from his scribbler.  Keeping that scribbler forever.

Last Weekend

Last weekend was intense. We drove to Quebec again to visit Steve and Krista Pederson and I love that couple so much! They are just one of those fun couples who actually do things and are so great to chat with and just hang out with. We always have such a great time. It was SO great that I managed to not take any pictures. Bad Maren!  But Joe took a bunch on his phone and saved me.  I purposely didn't want to bring my camera on Saturday because we went to Winterfest in Ottawa again (we went last year) and I wanted to experience it this time without my eye constantly through the lens.  Although, it was a little painful sometimes because I really wanted to capture some great shots. Again, Joe saved me with his phone.  It was SO fun because I got to leave the girls behind with Krista and just take the boys with Steve and Joe (Finlay joined us, too so I wouldn't feel too left out). We got to go down a bunch of ice slides which were also great because this year I didn't bruise my tail bone and could actually walk around!  Yeay!  And the boys tried skiing for the second time ever.  Their first was also here at the same place a year ago.  The boys did a great job!  Jackson was NOT pleased with his first run, likely because he wasn't slaloming like his buddy Elijah.  Ha!  But thankfully his second run went better and he was satisfied.  Noah was hilarious.  He was last in line to go and the kids only had time for two runs and I could tell he was getting pretty tired.  So the parents were all at the bottom of this mini-hill and after Noah's first run he was like, "forget this" and went right to the front.  Not necessarily "budding" the other kids, but going around them---like right through the flags that you're not supposed to pass.  Hahahaha!  I don't know what he told the instructor, but he went right up to her and before I knew it he was on his way down.  "I'm just tired."  Oh Noah.  I think Noah was the star of this weekend because he also lost his very first tooth!  I don't know what it is with these kids trusting their Dad to take out there teeth.  Joe put a wrench thingy in his mouth and BAM!  It was done.  Thank goodness because my goal is to never have to pull a tooth.  Ever.

Now, our whole purpose of going up to visit was because a while back Krista invited Joe and I to participate in this Valentine's Day Dance that she was in charge of for her Stake.  She was over the live-band part so I got to sing, "Wild Horses" which I think is one of my all time favourite love songs AND Krista accompanied me on piano (she's kind of a total professional), so it was done properly.  I wanted to dedicate it to Jocelyn and Isaacs because her funeral was the next day and it's one of those "I'll love you even beyond the veils of death" kind of songs.  But I got up there and knew that if I spoke those words I would NOT be able to sing that darn song.  So I thought it in my heart.  And what's a Valentine's Day Dance without a little "Black or White" by Michael Jackson?  Yeah.  I sang it.  AND did the rap.  Heeeey-yooooo!  I am so black.  And white.  Okay fine.  I was very white up there.  It was so fun though.  I gave Krista this long list of songs for their band to choose from that I thought I could maybe pull off, ....aaaaand that very song just happened to be one of the winners I guess.  Haha!  The other band-song was "What Does a Fox Say?" which Joe sang with me.  Another great love song.  It was one of those things where I wish someone had a video of us so our kids could know how truly cool their parents were up there.  Rock stars!  I guess they'll never know.  Anywho, that was so fun for me.  It's been a while since I've sung on stage.  And to be honest, I never sing covers, so this was a rare treat!  I think what made it special is that Joe and I did something that I love to do together.  We even rehearsed it for one of our "date nights."  It was just something different and fun that I thought brought us closer together.  Joe is not a shy person but he claims to be uncomfortable singing on stage.  Well.  He lies ladies and gentlemen!  Or fakes it really well.  Krista and I also sang "More Than Words" and she asked me if there was anything else that I could sing.  WELL.  I thought it would be fun to write a Valentine's Day Song as a gift to our men.  Not just any love song.  A making-fun-of-our-men-or-men-in-general-on-Valentine's-Day song.  Now that's a gift.  Krista's got some great writing abilities so we put our heads together.  I figured Joe would appreciate a laugh more than a sentimental song.  So we went for the humour. Krista wrote the lyrics about Steve and I wrote the lyrics about Joe.  We tried to do a "Flight of the Concords" type of thing, but I think it turned out just sounding like a twangy version of two whiny girls.  Ha!  Here are the lyrics:

I Want a Man 

M-(spoken) Happy Valentine’s Day Krista 

K-Oh yeah, you too.  Do you have a man to celebrate with this year? 

M-I wish!  It’s really hard to find a great guy, ya know?  

K-I know what you mean.  I don’t ask for much you know?  My specifics are minimal!   

M-Tell me about it! 

K-Well, my guy would be tall, have blue eyes and be a loooong distance runner. 

Verse 1: 

K-I want a man you knows his way around, any public transit system in any town  

(spoken) You know, like if he had to suddenly be dropped off at any random stop, he could find where he needed to go. 

M-Yeah, that’s handy.  And not specific at all.   

M-I want a man who’s super-dee-duper  tough, like he can battle any guy who’s being too rough… 

(spoken) You know, like someone who could totally take down a noob in Call of Duty?   

K-Or better, Battlefield! 

M-I could watch him shoot people all day...

Verse 2: 

K-I want a man who`s fit and trim, who could score a goal in soccer on his old boss Jim.  

(spoken) Like he probably wouldn`t play soccer all the time, but he could still score a goal sometimes. 

M-Uhhh-huh. 

M- I want a man who can do more than one thing at a time, he can multi-task while lookin' so fine!

(spoken) Who can turn down a man who can play games on his Ipad WHILE sitting on the toilet?

K-Tasty

Chorus: 

K-I want a man! 

M-Want a man, yes I really want a man 

K-I want a man! 

M-Want a man, really, really want a man 

K-I want a man 

M & K-doot-doot-doot 

Verse 3: 

M-I want a man who has a lot of love to give, he can hardly contain it ‘cause his heart’s so dang big! 

(spoken) You know, like a guy who REALLY loves his barbeque.  I mean REALLY.   

K-and he`d make sauces! 

M-I mean, he would spend hours with that thing.  And he would even wake up in the middle of the night for it just to check on a piece of delicious meat that’s slow cooking through the night.  

K-(Sigh) That`s love. 

M-Slow cooking love. 

K-I want a man who can provide, high quality statistical information.......(pause on a IV chord)  (spoken) You know, the kind that`s really important, it`s not just any stats, it`s like really, what am I trying to say, you know, I mean...Oh I wish there was a better way to say that. 

M-Yup. 

Chorus:
K-I want a man 

M-Want a man, yes I really want a man 

K-I want a man 

M-Want a man, really, really totally like want a man 

K-I need a man 

M-Really need that man 

K-I need a man 

M-Like a lot, I mean it. 

Verse 4: 

K&M- (slow) We want a man who loves Valentine’s Day, who would plan everything in our very specific way… 

K-(spoken) you know, I hate flowers and love notes and chocolates and all that stuff…. 

M-Who needs ‘em?  My man would take me to a Valentine`s Day Dance 

K-Yeah, but mine would be the DJ. 

M-Mmmm, and mine would maybe sing a weird Youtube song with me. 

K&M- sigh 

Chorus

(Slowly grinding into the chorus) WE...WANT..A... MAAAAAAAN!  etc.

Anywho, it was really fun to do.  I don't think I am a naturally funny/witty person (thank goodness Krista was up there with me) but it felt good to get some laughs.  At the expense of my husband.  Hahaha!  He said he felt like a quality guy after hearing what I thought his best traits were.  Haha!  And quality he is.

Anywho, here are some pictures from our fun, busy, sleepless, Jackson-and-Zoe-got-sick-and-we-had-to-leave-a-day-early weekend.


Happy Valentines Day people! May our husbands always remember to get us flowers, chocolates and love notes or forever be in the dog house.  Amen. 

Happy Valentine's Eve

This morning my friend Darla came over with her daughter Caroline and we cut out and decorated some Valentines Day sugar cookies (Colette's recipe---my favourite!).  I love Darla so much and am going to miss her.  The only thing making it a little less hard is the fact that she is also moving away so I don't feel like I am leaving her.  We are both equally leaving each other.  I don't know why that makes it easier for me, but it just does.  Well, yesterday I was thinking it would be fun to snap a few pics of Zoe for V-day since it's been a while since I've done that.  But it wasn't until I looked at all these pretty (and some not-so-pretty) pink and red decorated cookies and it all came together for me.  Zoe didn't mind at all!  And here are the pictures to prove it.
I am dying looking at all these beautiful pictures of her.  Especially the last two.  Her eyes and her curls just kill me.  She also manages to try killing me in other not-so-adorable ways.  She is at that rough stage where everything is so cute, but she is so dang busy.  And by busy I mean crazy and hard and evil and drawing on walls and using the stool to get on the table to eat Ellie's left over breakfast and using underwear as a hat and wanting to hear "What Does a Fox Say?" over and over and over again but it's the only way she'll be happy so I do it and making a trail of mess everywhere she goes and bugging Ellie to no end because why should they be friends?  You know.  Busy.  Well, I was having an incredibly rough evening after these pics were taken, partially because Zoe was acting "busy" but also because I am turning into an emotional mess.  I want to be this perfect Mom the first time through and I am failing miserably.  I want to make Valentines Day cookies and be this cheery Mom with a pink apron who hums while she wipes the cupboards down for the hundredth time that day and doesn't get frazzled no matter what.  Well, I start off as the Mom I want to be.  I make a choice at the beginning of the day.  I made cookies.  Check.  But then that day goes on and it gets trickier and trickier to be this Mom that every child wants.  Well today at dinner I yelled at Ellie.  As always she didn't want to eat what was put in front of her and I'd had it.  It was like all the stars aligned in that moment to turn against me and torture me in the worst possible way and I couldn't take it anymore.  Joe was at school and is still there and won't be home until bed time.  So I took my bowl of soup and ate it in my bedroom.  That was a first.  I think the kids were a little surprised that I would do that.  But I was losing control and I absolutely hate yelling at the kids and nagging them to no end.  So I left.  They were quiet.  They were eating.  Perhaps I need to leave the dinner table more often.  I only left for a few minutes because I realized how irrational and immature I was being, so I came back to check on them.  Ellie was still having a rough time eating as always, so she quietly sent herself to bed without me after everyone else had finished.  Another first.  And then I went downstairs to check on the boys who were playing with Zoe and collapsed on their bed.  Jackson was tidying his room.  Not sure how many 7 year old boys do that on their own, but I think he was trying extra hard to make life easier for me.  And then I told him how sorry I was for yelling at the dinner table earlier.  Kids are so forgiving.  He gave me a great big hug and I told him that I was just having a really hard day but that I would try harder.  Well, after a few minutes of playing he came back into his room (I was still laying down on his bed of course) and he said, "I was just coming to check on you Mom."  What a thoughtful boy.  It made me feel horrible.  That moment made me realize how undeserving I am of my children and how grateful I need to ACT because they are in my life!  Less yelling at the table and more hugs.  Why isn't it like that more often?  Why can't it be?  I guess because I am not a perfect Mom.  I am not a perfect person.  I want to do everything right the first time but I can never consistently be the person I want to be.  Some days are obviously better than others.  I think what really hurt me today was I was pondering on Jocelyn who just passed away and how it's Valentines Day tomorrow and how her husband must feel without her.  I was singing the song, "Wild Horses" by the Rolling Stones and it is such a beautiful love song and I can't help but think of her now when I sing it.  So, I managed to cry a lot this afternoon.  Her Mom also asked me to sing at her funeral which is in two days not realizing that I was living in Ontario.  I felt so honoured that she would ask me, and so sad that I couldn't.  But also a little saved because I am not sure I could make it through two words of "A Child's Prayer."  Her two darling children don't have their Mom making them sugar cookies for Valentines Day and it's just not fair.  Well, ...what's not fair about it is I was taking out my sadness on my kids.  There is a difference between mourning with those that mourn and acting like my life is over. 

I am not dead.  I am alive.  And I should be acting that way.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day!  Here's to a Valentine's Day of smiling and not yelling at my kids and getting more sleep tonight and enjoying every moment I have with my husband and children so they don't think I'm a super nag.  The end.

Already?

So, I'm pretty sure I blinked and now all the sudden it's time to start packing up to move back to Alberta.  Did two years really happen?  (I guess it's more like 1 year and nine months).  We are less than 2 months out.  That's 6 more Sundays and a General Conference to put it into perspective.  I have started listing things on Kijiji, which is not my favourite thing to do.  I don't mind taking the pictures, or even listing them with all the info, etc.  What I really dislike is dealing with flaky people.  Oh, you're gonna pick it up at this time?  Are you really?  Well you better!  And then there's the people who SUPER low-ball you.  You want $50 for it?  I'll give you $20.  Ha!  The nice thing is, this isn't Mexico and I'm not in a hurry.  Yet.  So to those people I don't even bother.  Anywho, this is turning out to be a super boring post.  All I was really meaning to write about was how excited/anxious/nervous/ready I am for the next phase of life.  Now all that needs to happen is Joe gets a job in Calgary, and we find a 4-bedroom place to rent/buy.  Ain't no thang.  Joe's stressing a teensy only because he has all this school work BUT he would really like to be focusing on getting a job.  He's been networking like crazy, so now it's just a matter of setting up some interviews and making it happen.  So glad I am not the one in charge of that.  I can barely keep track of setting up times for people to pick up their Kijiji items!  Which by the way, I've sold four whole items (one of which someone returned because it was broken---I love my kids), and it feels good.  I've also starting going through everyone's clothing and have gotten some moola out of Once Upon a Child (second hand store) and have donated the rest.  The kids have barely any toys (I junked an entire black garbage bag!), and the sad reality is I don't think they notice.

It feels SOOOOOO GOOD!

The biggest perk is not only do I get to look forward to being close to my family again and having a pay check in our lives again---but the day after Joe's last class... we are going on a trip.  Alone.  NO KIDS!  For a whole week.  And THEN we get to drive across the country together---like a true-blue road trip for 36 hours.  No hotels.  Ack!  I don't love that part, but the idea of doing a road trip together excites and scares me!  It makes me feel like a young newly wed again.  But then will that last after 6 of the 36 hours?  Let's hope there's enough chocolate and caffeine and sleeping breaks and good audio-books to make us both last and still love each other at the end of it all. The thing I am most excited about is that we get to go visit Joe's Mission in Washington DC.  He served most of his time in Virginia so we will get to see a few sites and enjoy reliving his mission memories.  He has wanted this for so long.  And this is where I chimed in and said, "if we are going to visit your mission, then we are ALSO going to New York City!"  So.  My friends.  That is ALSO happening!  And we are going to see Newsies on Broadway.  Don't hate me.  Our ten year anniversary is coming up this Summer so this is our gift to each other.  I have been saving my "babysitting" money (from watching Sydney after school), and we are finally taking advantage of the "Biggest Loser" challenge that we won years ago, which will help us out on this trip quite a bit.  I was hoping to use it on Disneyland one day, but I fear that will be quite a ways off.  Honestly having this trip lined up just makes everything a little more easy to do.  Every day that passes of packing and selling is one day closer to this much needed trip!  Pretty sure I haven't seen my hubby the entire time we've lived here.  Some strange guy lays next to me at the end of the day and I have no clue who he is!

So.  Yes.  This trip will be nice.

Heavy

Sheesh.  I've been crying a lot this week.  Just call me Miss Weepsalot.  I've had a lot of thoughts in my brains and I figured the best way to get them out is to just write.  But honestly, this won't be a light post, so you don't have to read this.

Last Sunday I gave a lesson in the church to my youth about seeing God's hands in all things.  I decided to be dumb and use a personal story.  I talked about my friend Jocelyn Ogrins whom I did "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" with a couple years back.   She is spunky and vivacious, and looks like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.  Sings just as beautifully too.  We were the only two married "brides" with children (she had one and I had three), ...the rest were in YSA, so it kind of bonded us because we knew what we were giving up to be at rehearsals three days a week, three hours a day for two months.  Right after we were finished with the play, we kind of went our separate ways and both got pregnant at the same time, ready to continue on with our families.  And then I found out into her pregnancy that she got cancer.  What?  She decided to have the baby first before she started chemo treatments.  We were all very nervous about how fast the cancer might come if she waited too long.  But she beat it.  She beat the cancer!  We all had a good sigh.  No more cancer.  And then not too long ago that darn cancer came back.  I wanted to punch that cancer in the face.  I wanted to shout, it's not fair!  Hasn't she had enough?  Well, at Christmas her husband, Isaacs, put together a way we could donate to Jocelyn's best treatment option as she is in stage four.  It would be $60 000 dollars and Ab Health Care wouldn't cover it.  Isaacs and Jocelyn only wanted to raise half of the cost, but within TWO days they exceeded the number and within two weeks they exceeded their total cost.  People are still donating.  I have loved watching people come together to help such a wonderful person all in the name of Christ-like love.  I talked to the youth about how sometimes bad things happen to good people, like her and her husband and two little children.  I talked as though I knew she would get better and beat this.  At that time, I didn't know then what I know now. 

I have been following her story from a distance as her husband has kindly been updating a facebook group so that people like me can keep up to speed with what is happening.  Well, right before she was about to have this treatment that would be her last hope, she got pneumonia.  Her body has been too weak to fight it, so they had to intubate her.  She has been in the ICU with her husband at her side giving us all the information he can, bless his heart.  All this week she has been going downhill.  I have been crying.  A lot.  I fasted.  I went to the temple and put her name on the prayer roll.  I fasted again.  In fact, I'm pretty sure a lot of people came together in fasting for her and her family.  And then she had a small improvement.  I had a day of being able to breathe again.  This Sunday's lesson for the youth was about "You Know Enough."  Meaning, we may not know why certain things happen, bad or good, and do not have all the answers, but we know enough about the gospel to know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is in charge.  He knows the beginning and the end.  I do not.  Well, earlier this week I received some awful news about Jocelyn.  Although she had seen some small improvements, she stopped breathing on her own and the machine that was helping her breathe could only do so much. Meaning she was not living on her own and the only thing keeping her going was the machine.  I felt like I knew right then she wasn't meant to make it.  It would literally take a miracle.  I cried so hard after hearing that news.  I felt sad that she would be leaving her husband and children for a time.  I felt sad that she had to endure everything she had to endure with her cancer leading up to this point.  Her husband had invited people to leave messages for Jocelyn earlier that week while she was under because she had been responding.  I wasn't sure if she was still "there" but I put together a slide show to a song that Ellie and I sang and recorded last Spring, "I Am a Child of God."  I found some beautiful pictures of Jesus Christ hugging or helping those in need.  I cried a lot putting it together because I thought of how much her family would be needing His comfort during this time.  Isaacs thanked me and told me that he played it for her.  It makes me happy to know that she heard it.  Although now that I think of it, it was probably meant less for her and more for her husband and children.

Here is the link for the video:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAsctF41aOo

This morning a very hard decision was made and she was taken off the machine.  She's gone.  I've been taking this pretty hard.  Maybe I am internalizing it, because yes, I think to myself "it could have been me" or "it could still BE me one day."  How precious life is.  I have been holding my children and husband a little tighter through this experience.  I hate that she is gone.  Straight to the celestial kingdom I tell you.  I will say that when I got the news this morning I feel like Heavenly Father answered at least part of my prayers.  I felt peace.  I felt like Jocelyn was happy and ready to go.  I haven't been right beside her in this journey because I have been living in another province, but I feel like I've become really close to her in her journey through this.  And I have certainly mourned with her.  She and her husband have had such faith through this trial.  And because of their faith, I have really grown in my faith of humanity---people coming together out of sheer Christ-like love.  And I have also grown in my testimony of eternal families.  I still feel sad that she is gone and I feel like it's not fair.  Perhaps that's me being childish and immature in where I am in my testimony.  But I DO know enough.  Enough to know that Heavenly Father is in charge.  Enough to know that her family will be taken care of.  Enough to know that she is in God's hands now.

(Jocelyn is in the blue dress).

Good bye Jocelyn.  Till We Meet Again.